Oh Home

3 days. 3 finals. That's all that stands between me and Churchville.







But then yet, I question...do I really want to go home?

This is a bit whiney...

I made a simple comment today. One that so many of us in the hall make when we are stressed or avoiding work or pretty much think we're screwed on a project or something.

"I fail at life."

We usually laugh it off or support each other, or something else like that, but we never really do much about it. I made this comment because of several reasons. I have a French paper due tomorrow, which always stresses me out, I have a ton of other stuff happening in my life that I don't really care to share with everybody because they would not understand, and I really just want to get this next week and a half over with.

So yeah...I fail at life. One girl looks at me as she is slumped on her bed looking at her computer downloading a game and she pretty much yells at me; "shut-up. You don't even know the beginning of failing. You have an A in chemistry and I have nothing near it..."

Since when did the term 'life' come to mean 'academics'? I guess I don't really understand. Yes we are in college to study, but we also live here and living involves having fun. There is more to life than school. There is more to life than what seems on the outside. Sometimes people don't share everything that they are feeling and in conclusion ou have no right to honestly judge if someone else is failing at life.

Oh life...

So a lot has happened recently that just has really brightened me life from my last entry. Melanie called me on Thursday, and I cried at the sound of her voice, I was so happy to be talking to her for the hour and seventeen minutes that we did. Perhaps the best conversation I have ever had. Thanksgiving is only TWO WEEKS away! That means I get to go home and see everyone and eat good food and get a Christmas tree, and it is officially the beginning of the final stretch of the semester. I can't believe it's almost over, the first semester of my first year of college. I just have to now face the stresses of registering for classes next semester. Above all though, the happiest thing in my life officially...Rachel Reeves is making a guest appearance at Allegheny College this weekend!!!!!!!!!

It's going to be the greatest thing ever to see her after a two and a half month drought. Not only that, I get to see her parents as well which is amazing since I consider them pretty much as my second family and I think it is so amazing that they are driving down to drop their daughter off at my school and pick her back up again.

It will be so much fun though. We can eat together, we can catch up on life, I can show her about my new 'home.' My friends here are all sooo excited to meet her...probably to see what type of person would last being my friend this long (just kidding.) But we will have tons of fun, bake pie, maybe go downtown...who knows. I am so very excited though, this will probably be the best weekend yet at Allegheny, I love it, but it is going to be so much better with Rachel here.

So let's move a little faster week...

...

I'm alive.

It's all that really matters.

Home, Home on the Range

Fall Break

Definition: A mid-semester extended weekend given to Allegheny students as a reward for going 6.5 weeks straight of classes. Time is given to go home and spend time with the family, or relax back at your residence hall.

This past weekend, I had opted for the second due to complications at home with an inability to drive 3 hours to pick me up bring me back home and do it all over again a few days later. Unfortunately, nobody notified me that in the end, I would be one of maybe 3 people left in my hall...the others of which I don't talk to.

A call came in Friday night, asking me how to say bitch in French, and I gave her a far more offensive term. She threw me on the phone with her boyfriend, and after a while of talking he offered to get me the next day after work. What a fantastic idea! My sister ended up getting me after work after I had called her 'sick' to get her out of a mandatory RA thing.


It was a complete surprise to my family that I was coming home. My father was thrilled and my mother was pissed because we were so late getting home and almost missed my brother's haunted house. Beyond that all was fine...except my brother's take-over of the bathroom, that was disgusting.

It was nice to be home. I went for pumpkins and picked apples. I ate good food in reasonable portions and got to sleep in my own bed (hard as a rock compared to my school bed...and about 2 feet shorter) I also drove a car again, one thing that I miss terribly here. And I went to Target and saw civilization. I visited school and talked to my favorite teachers and saw my swim team...and realized I really do NOT miss swimming. Overall it was good to be home. But at the same time, at the end of 2 days, I was ready to come back. Very ready. Home is great, my family is great, it was wonderful to see Carolyn and have a good old Tuxedo Latte at Leaf and Bean, but seriously I have been so independent for the past two months that it was a little strange to ask my parents if I could do everything and to live out of a duffel bag in my own home.

But now I have 5 more weeks of straight classes with no breaks, until Thanksgiving. Everyone will be home at Thanksgiving, I will have a reason to be there, to kick off the holiday season with tons of good food, get Christmas decorations and then return at the end to finish off the semester. College goes so quick.

This is probably the most disorganized blog post in a long time. Deal with it.

I USED TO be like that

So I ran into a rather awkward conversation today, at least it was awkward for me. On Thursdays, I eat lunch at French table, where we are supposed to eat and talk seulement en français, but often people ignore that. I was having some pretty good conversations with people around me, and then toward the end, people near the foot of the table started speaking in English. It was all about "that boy with OCD." Nearly everyone on campus knows him or knows of him apparently. This is only the first I had heard of him.

The point is though, they were talking. Pointing out the things he does and discussing them, then going on to try to figure out why, then continuing, as often people do when talking about OCD, to point out their own quirks. Listening in on this conversation, as it was the same people I had been discussing life with in French only five minutes before, I felt awkward. As they continued to talk, I wanted to set them straight with facts and personal experiences, but I didn't feel it was my place for some reason.

For the first time since I have been here, I am uncomfortable with my own OCD.
The conversation at lunch really made me think: do people see me doing my stuff and talk about me over their mandatory lunch periods? Do they actually see t for what it is, or something else?

My real question is, since when did OCD become uch a widely used term for every little stupid thing? Since when did it become a 'competition' to have the most strange habits and title them under OCD? Do they even understand that it is more than just a little organization here, a little touching there? I don't think so. The term OCD is so widely used (often with the wrong verb) that people no longer recognize it so much as an actual anxiety disorder as they do an emotion.

As I sat listening to the conversation, I felt this incredible discomfort so that after a few moments, I just got up and left. It kind of made me think about and realize how far I have come and how thankful I have worked things out, put forth the effort to change, that I am not so bad as to be dubbed "that girl with OCD."

But really, what do you do in that conversation? It's not like you can come out and start talking, setting the facts straight, using the excuse of knowledge as the fact that you do have OCD, not when everybody else is going around saying things that for some reason make it seem like they are competing for the disorder. It really just seems like you are trying to get your sympathy bid in.

I guess I just have to leave it at something that if somebody is curious, they can ask, but until then I just have to get up from the table and ignore the conversation, completely content with the fact that I used to be like that.

Happy Ending Week

So it's been a stressful week. I faced the results of my first two college tests, in Chemistry and Calculus. I was VERY pleased with the scores, but you know how I am about grades. I had my first college paper due today...in FRENCH. And then I had the typical little nit-picky homework to do for all my classes additionally. I seriously feel as though I have been doing nothing but eating all week long, and pretty much since classes started too.

I've been giving into all sorts of compulsions, left and right. Touching things, skipping over cracks and the darkest parts of floors, organizing and re-organizing everything, stapling my French paper 6 times until it was at a perfect 45 degree angle, brushing teeth and washing hands and invading personal space to fix other peoples stuff...really everything...less the strange ones I have been having to pull the fire alarm at which point I literally run down the hall as far away from it as possible.

Overall...stressful week.

But every week has its end...hence the weekend, and mine started today. I kept optimistic and happy, encouraging everyone of the fact that it is Friday...one week from fall break Friday. And it's homecoming, which is where it all starts.

Our theme is 'Made in the 80's' so pretty much it was awesome. I got all dressed up in an adorable little outfit and went to the pep rally with a few of my hall mates. It was amusing, and I didn't get a t-shirt, but fun all the same. Then the real party started...and by party I mean 80's dance party. I suck at dancing, but there is something about 80's music that makes it alright...even cool...to dance poorly. And so I did. For two hours straight. about 1/2 the time in two inch heels. I got so sweaty and just let EVERYTHING go. I borrowed SWEATBANDS from someone else (I don't know why I accepted the initial offer looking back now.) I moved so much that my outer shirt stretched to 2 times its size. It was so free and fun...just dancing with my friends. I forgot everything and just moved with the beat and screamed along with Whitney Houston until my voice grew hoarse. What could be better?

It's great to have such an ending to a week, even if I do come back to my dorm and realize how disgusting I am and run to the shower before panic can officially set in.

But it was all worth it. =)

Kindergarten

There is something very important that is often over looked in life. We take care of it all through our infant and toddler years, in kindergarten and maybe even a little beyond that. But suddenly we get to a point, and it disappears. I thought it was gone forever! It was a tragedy, all through middle school and junior high, and especially in high school, when people would think something was wrong when I tried to attempt it. But I was wrong again. It returns in college, it's like an epidemic that takes over in the afternoon and nobody thinks it is wrong or anything else of it. What is this mystery thing? NAPTIME.

It has become such a part of my life here at Allegheny, and I am not the only one who does it. At home, when I would come home from school and want to take a nap, my mother yelled at me that it was a waste of time or thought I was sick. Why is it so wrong? It makes you feel so rejuvenated and you can focus again. It's a sin not to take a nap when you sit down to do your chemistry homework and just pass out on your bed. It's irresistible really, your bed is right there. I know for me it is my primary study spot since my computer leaves no room on my desk.

Despite the fact that nearly everyone I talk to here considers it a part of their daily routine, it is still kind of a hush hush thing about college. The 'sample student schedules' that they send you over the summer leave it out. Nobody really tells you how important it will become for you to take a nap at least 3 times a week.

I think it's great really. Now I got some sleeping out of the way and can concentrate better on my homework.

Where do I go when I have nowhere left to turn?

College is great. I have awesome new friends, my classes are barely hard at all (yet), and I have nothing dictating my schedule. I have a job now, I think I'm gonna be an RA next year, and I feel rather at home. My life at Allegheny rocks, it's great, and I would not have it any other way.

Outside of Allegheny however, things kind of sucked today. Thursday night I had gotten up the nerve to ask my mom if I could go to the Czech Republic in May. After two days of pondering in Churchville, to my surprise, she said YES. Holy wow! How could this happen? I thought she would never say yes to taking $700 of my money and blowing it on a plane ticket! I only had one hurdle to jump...making sure it was all right on the Czech end that I go.

Tyna was ecstatic at the news. Neither of us could believe this would actually happen so soon if ever. Thinking ahead and longing for the days of May where we would reunite and be the best of friends again. Her family was happy for me to come as well. All was good. Then she came back with the worst news ever. Her exams, the big ones that she has to take at the end of her school year that pretty much decide the rest of her life, are from May 21-June 1. My heart was broken, I was shot down, I was depressed...still am really. How could I get through my parents, have them say yes, have plane tickets drop to low rates and work myself up to a level of excitement, only to have this one glorious thing pushed down by something as stupid as this? I think the worst thing is that it CAN'T be CHANGED. Parents say no, I can change it. Plane tickets too high, I fork over another hundred bucks and spend less. But THIS...there is nothing I can do. It's hard to recover from something lie this...getting up on a 500ft pedestal of excitement and joy, then falling flat on my face unable to stop myself before I hit the ground.

The worst part is, now that I know I won't be seeing them in May, they seem so much further away and distant from me. I fear I may never see them again as we enter the adult world and our lives become complicated heaps of responsibility and work. I realized that I have been hanging onto this hope for several months, fully convinced that no matter what blocks I came across along the way, I could get through them with cool persuasion and a drive to show that I can still afford it even while I am at college. Entirely confident in that fact that on May 13 2008 I would be on a plane across the ocean for the greatest reunion of my life to date.

But where am I supposed to go now that the single golden thread of hope has been cut? Who am I supposed to turn to? None of my friends here will understand, to them it will seem like some petty problem that is not worth crying and being depressed over. Their thoughts would be something along the lines of, boo hoo Stacy can't take a trip abroad at then end of the year. How is that a big deal?. My friends at home would barely understand, not wanting to listen to my stupid problem that seems so superficial on the outside. My parents don't understand. My friends in the Czech Republic are probably feeling the same things and I barely ever get to talk to them because we are all so busy. Where do I go when I have nowhere left to turn?

Now I feel really dumb for putting this all here. For some reason, it looks petty and childish and immature that I would be so distraught over this, and it probably is. But explanations unknown, it's hitting me hard. Harder than a freight train and I don't know what to do anymore.

So. I have been doing this college thing for almost exactly a week. And it has been a long week. Orientation became to be one of the most painful things ever and I am glad that classes have started...pathetic I know.

I have met some pretty awesome people, one of them being my roommate Ellen. And my floor...Wannex 3 where we party in the T. I know you all really don't care about my going on about college, but it's amazing. I'm not homesick, I love my classes, and life pretty much rocks right now. I have become pretty good friends with a lot of people in my hall, and I hope I meet other people from other halls now that classes have started.

Speaking of classes...all of them are Monday-Wednesday-Friday classes. I only have my calc class on Tuesday . That means I have Thursday off to do whatever. It's pretty awesome because I can do all of my homework then. So after one day of classes, I already have a ton of homework, but I am alright with that. I am taking 17 credits...Chemistry 110, FS 101, Calculus 160, French 225 and hopefully I made it into the band.

I don't really have anything to say, but I felt like a pathetic loser for coming to college and not updating this. So I am going to find something sweet to do with my Friday night!

Big Question

I am faced with an issue.

How do you ask your parents if you can take over $1000 of your own money to fly 5000 miles around the world for one month after your freshman year of college? Money that should be saved for books and other necessities at a time when you should really be looking for and getting a summer job.

But what if this is what I really want to do?

Things

Things I like:

• Science
• Green
• Tea
• French, Czech, Language
• Harry Potter
• Mini Coopers
• Men...in special circumstances
• Sewing, Knitting
• Swimming
• Broccoli, Zucchini, Squash
• Organizing
• Clean Sheets
• Numbers Divisible by 2 and 3
  
• A Multitude of Other Things

Things I Don't Like:

• Heights
• Germs
• Onions
• Murder Mystery Novels
• Men...in special circumstances
• Avon Deodorant...it doesn't work
• Technology...we don't agree
• Crowds
• Heavy Metal, Country, Screaming Idiot, Rap Music
• Stereotypes
• Fluorescent Lights, Those Bright Blue Headlights on Cars
• Scions
• Skepticality, Skeptical Situations
• A Multitude of Other Things

Things I May Never Understand:

• Why People Call Sunscreen "Suntan Lotion"
• OCD
• Czech
• Rap Music
• Men
• Microsoft Windows...nat that I want to
• The Appeal of Canned Squirt Cheese
• Why Old Heavyset Women Wear Watermelon Print Pants
• The Need for Drive-Thru Food
• Betrayal
• Video Games
• My Love For Shoes
• Violence
• A Multitude of Other Things
  

Better, Much Better

I don't yet know what love is.

That's enough to sum up the day.

It was a good day, and hopefully tomorrow will be better.

Much better.

As good as today was, I believe it is possible to get better.

Much better.

I'm going to be proactive and for the first time

pursue what my heart may be telling me.

Much better.

Of Storage Totes and French Berets

So this week I have really gotten down to the crunch in preparing to go to college. It all began with a "hey you wanna do this on August Third?" and me suddenly realizing that August was just around the corner. It went something like "yeah I'll see what I'm doing, it's not for a while anyhow...HOLY CRAP that's only a week and a half away!" So yeah. i jumped on that college thing. I went shopping with my mother on Thursday and bought pillows and mattress pads and really cool fans.

Most symbolically, I bought storage totes in every shape and size.

I think the storage tote is one of the official staples of college and I realized it this past week as I started packing. I was unloading all of my winter clothes into a bright blue 58 gallon tote, and suddenly is struck me how strange this all was. When did it become acceptable to pack up your entire life into these plastic containers and move far away to a strange place on your own?I did not spend three hours going over on a sheet of computer paper where all my stuff would go in my dorm room. Instead, I spent my time going through my different containers and what I would put in each one. I don't yet know what I will do when I get there with all the stuff, but I can tell you which color container contains all of my t-shirts in the end.

Overall, this just struck me as kind of strange. The crunch to college is getting closer and closer every day and I think it is going to my brain. I think I need ice cream.

Regardless, I have never been so excited for anything in my life prior to this.

So I thought I would make this a pleasant update on my life, because I must say it is pleasant. These are the good things that have been going on in my life recently.

• I've been in a rather long compulsion recession which is good.
• My room is wonderfully clean.
• I am organizing my life out for the next year which is amazingly fun.
• I am going to a grad party tonight for one of the greatest people ever (Rachel).
• I have amazing friends who continue to love me all over the globe no matter where they are.
• This room (my computer/sewing room) is no longer an ungodly shade of pink.
• It's almost August! Do you know what happens in August? I'll tell you. Knitting parties, birthdays galore, hopefully some more stuff with friends, MY BIRTHDAY!, and I know I'm forgetting something. Oh yeah. I MOVE INTO COLLEGE!
• I've read the last ever book of Harry Potter...and loved every second of it (except the fact that it was over)

And I think those are the major points. I am super hungry now. So I'm gonna go to a grad party :)

ahoj.

The Human Brain Acts in the Same Wavelength as Lime Jello

I have always found the human brain fascinating. A person can learn so much in a lifetime and still only have used a small portion. Parts of the brain are responsible for every single thing we do. Perhaps though, one of the most amazing portions of our brains is memory. Everybody has the ability to remember, no matter who they are, and the memories keep building throughout life over time, infinitely.

It's so strange however, that memories are often lost. Like sometimes you can try to think of something and you can taste it there on your tongue, but can't retrieve it. A lot of the time, memory is random...the little moments that may be meaningless at the time, but for some reason they stick with you. And then something triggers your brain, and it is brought to the surface. Unfortunately a lot of these memories are bad moments that you would prefer to forget, but others are joyous and exciting.

This has happened to me a lot lately. Stupid little memories that come upon me in my random thinking. The other day, I was driving my car. I watched as my odometer clicked over to 62,000 miles. All I could do was smile, it seems strange, but not when I go through what I was thinking about. A few months ago, my car hit 60,000 and I watched it turn over from 59,000. I remember the exact moment. I was driving to Jitters with Tyna for one of our "gym classes." As we were heading down Buffalo Road, I noticed the approach and announced it. We were both excited and wanted to see it, but the turn-over was obviously not going to happen before we reached our destination. So I turned down Union and drove all around the Hubbard Park area, down Springbrook and out the other side. Still no luck, so I continued down Orchard and out onto Westside...finally it changed. We just laughed as I pulled into Jitters. it seemed so stupid, but yet it brought so much fn and joy, apparently enough that the memory stuck with me vividly. And now what I would not give to go back and do it again, because it was fun.

That is only one instance, and there have been many more over the past week, but they have all come and gone, another interesting side of memory.

It's interesting to visit the past, because only you fully know your past. No other person knows every minute detail of your life. Nobody reading this knew me when I lived in Gates, and many do not know of the pains that I experienced there. It's a funny thing about being a six-year old, the concept of death really has no place to sink in with you. That's how old I was when I had been told my best friend had died of leukemia, another concept I had not been able to grasp in the year and a half before. I have long since been over the death, but something interesting about it is that it hangs over a person until they deal with it in their own way. This week, at the midnight showing of Harry Potter, I ran into my first grade crush, Scottie Tribotti. He's still cute, although I think he might be gay. Anyhow, on my long drive home, i got to thinking about him, and suddenly, that led to my thoughts of my six year old self and the pain I felt of not being able to understand how to cope with death. It was a really strange feeling, like a memory with extras attached. It's odd how I barely remember her name, but I remember the pain that it caused me.

But now I sit here, and I want to remember everything. I hate it when somebody asks me to remember a point in time when I felt this, or this happened, and I can't do it. How does that work? It's strange how memory can be activated randomly, but not on command so much. Just another mystery of life that so interests me.


On a completely different note, I got my housing assignment for Allegheny, and I got into the residence hall I wanted. I also received my AP scores...4 on calculus, much better than I thought, and 5 on biology. It has been a rather exciting week for mail.

And then Australia

So there's this thing known as OCD, and this thing kind of like it known as OCPD. Technically, I fall under categories of both and have been working to over come it. There's this component of OCD however that has seemed to be absent from my mind. Until not.

Under a light-hearted general description of the obsessive compulsive disorder, the average person would find a key component of 'excessive worry and constant fear that the worst will happen.' Yes this happens when I feel I need to do something...I just need to do it or something bad WILL happen and I can't describe it any other way. That's one way this description applies. However, many OCD sufferers relay experiences of visions of just general destruction and generally bad things happening to those they love or themselves. I had never experienced this before.

When I said goodbye to Tyna this weekend, it was just kind of like blah de blah I'll see you when you get there on the internet, but somehow I could not let it leave my mind. I had horrific ideas of terrorism and her getting stuck and lost somewhere or missing all of her planes. Stuff like that. I barely slept Sunday night, and figured it was because I knew she was having problems with arrangements. I even broke out in a wave of stress acne. Then I said goodbye to Irenka, and the same thing happened. I tried to keep in contact with ANYONE who might know the travel situations of the two. I learned that Tyna was grounded in Atlanta, but I also fond out that Irenka got to JFK alright.

Both of them arrived safely in Ostrava yesterday, and only then did I feel a wave of relief. I smiled freely and got an appetite again and I was able to have fun with friends. it was the most amazing feeling ever. Of course now all I do is curse the 6 hour time difference and hope to catch either one of my friends online. I want to use the camcorder that I am using as a temporary webcam and I just want to see them. I realize that it is truly amazing how much a friendship can bud and progress in a single year.

You really don't need to read this.

So I graduated last night...yippee, it was amazing.

This next part is for my own documentation, you don't need to read it. You will find it boring and probably feel as though it depresses me, but not so much to write about it.

So, not 24 hours after my high school graduation, the culmination of the last thirteen years of my life and blah de blah (see previous entry), I did the most difficult thing I have ever done. A wonderful young woman named Kristyna Kvasnickova, often referred to as Tyna Beana or mon chou chou...left.

The day started out me getting up early so I could run to the store and grab some grad gifts (for people whose parties were left unattended by me...whoops.) As I was getting ready to leave, there was a knock on the door. The unmistakable head cast a shadow in the curtained window. It was Irenka. She had come to say goodbye, tears already streaming down her face, ushering a river of equal proportions from me. As we hugged for about ten minutes, my hair still wet and unbrushed, she said something that really sent me off. "I came here and I did not find an American boyfriend, but I found my Stacy Bacy, and that's better." I was seriously not expecting to say goodbye to her until tomorrow, and I actually have to drop stuff off to her so I won't, but it was still emotional, and kind of scared me as to what I would be like a few hours later.

One very hurried trip to Wal-Mart later and I was back home, the Bates van pulled into my driveway. I grabbed some important things and as I walked out the door, I saw a bobbing cowboy hat exiting the van and smiled. We stopped at Timmy Ho's one last time, I gave her a necklace and Jitka's scrapbook, and then I realized that the airport is not as far away as I thought. We unloaded and went straight to the Delta counter, there was no line and it was all good. I prepared myself for the hardest.

And then the words, in that sarcastic Tyna voice..."I guess I'm not going then, yah?"

The flight was delayed about two hors, and the landing in Atlanta interfered with her flight to Prague. We stood for about a half an hour at that counter, sorting out all of the possible options, and eventually building up a line behind us that was very angry.

Tyna had a choice of waiting two days until the next available seat opened up, which we were game for, but she was worried about her parents in Czech...they would not be too happy. Another choice was getting up at 3 tomorrow morning to go to the Buffalo airport for a flight out of there. And then there was the option where Tyna took the same flight, attempted to make the plane in Atlanta, but if she didn't she would be put up in a hotel for the night and take the first flight out tomorrow...she liked the sound of free hotel and free food. So this was the choice. The lady went in to book it and there was another roadblock that really kind of opened the road. Somebody had gone in and scheduled different flights. Rochester to Atlanta to Paris to Prague. Sounds great!

So we had another two hours. We got her regular luggage all checked in and now we just waited. Ze sat around the airport for a bit, talking, I messed with Tyna's cowboy hat and determined it was one of the only hats I could pull off. We went back to the Bates' house, and I remember looking at my watch at about 15:50 and realizing that I should be on my way home, remembering my last hug and last words and last glimpse with probably one of the most amazing people in my life. But no, she was sitting across the room babbling in Czech about the delay and what was happening to her parents, showing them graduation pictures and saying goodbye I'll see you tomorrow...amnd me intently listening for any word I recognized.

Then we left for airport trip round two. I knew this time that there was no saving grace to give me more time with her, I would have to say goodbye. The entire ride was spent in a mini French lesson, teaching her basic words and phrases to make her have a good time on the plane. It was so much fun to use my passion for French to teach someone else. We went over the words until we reached the counter, where she got some angry glares as she went up to the same lady to sort out a mystery of a missing boarding pass. And then, it was time.

The security gate was empty, and Tyna did not want to prolong this any more than she needed to. She hugged me first, and I started crying, and then she went down the line. Debbie started crying after I did, and got worse when Tyna hugged her. I lightly punched her shoulder and said st'astnu cestu (have a good trip in Czech) and gave her a final hug.

I cried miserably as I watched her pass through the blinding white security area in that hat, with that skateboard on her back, and give a final wave as she crossed into the unknown. I just cried. Debbie offered me a tissue and a hug, I gladly accepted both, and after about ten minutes, we knew there was nothing more to do, no more to see, and headed back to the car.

I got home and walked back into my house after one last hug from Debbie. Only to find my family was not expecting me for dinner, so I ate a bowl of broccoli and a boca. I had not eaten all day, and yet I still was not hungry. Not before, not after, but I knew I should eat. After sulking around, I needed to get out of the house. So I went to Kristen's grad party and decided to have a good time and forget about it for a while. Of course everybody know, so they asked how I was and being reminded, I started crying again with each time it was mentioned. Finally people stopped mentioning it and I had a good time.

It was a sad day, and the happiest thing will be to hear her voice across the internet, home and safe. It was a fun day...in ways, and I love my Tyna.

"Charles DeGualle...where is that?" "Paris" "Oooh...I get to go to France!"
"Air France and Paris...uh oh, I'm wearing my I love NY t-shart and I look American...the French hate Americans. How do I say I am NOT American?"
"Don't worry, if you fall over, you can just roll onto the plane!"

=]

I...WHAT!?

Tomorrow I graduate...a bit of an interesting concept when you think about it. Tomorrow is quite factually the only time ever that our entire senior class will all be in the same room together. I don't really care for half of the people sitting around me, and honestly don't care if I never see 98.763 percent of the people sitting there with me again. I won't recognize a quarter of them after all these years, and some of them I really wish I didn't recognize. I can pretend to care, but in the end I have only one goal in mind, to get across that stage and get on with my life for good.

Above all, the one thing I really do take from high school is a cap on who I am now, and who I want to be as I look toward the future. You really get grounded in your last year of high school. Senior year is sort of a filter, like the mouth of a baleen whale. You pick through who your friends really are and you get a true sense of who will be your friends once this whole thing ends. Sometimes you find the best friends in the most unlikely of all places. You officially determine what your real interests are, squeezing the last free knowledge out of high school before you start paying the big bucks. And finally, you just realize it's not as sad as you think. Like the last page of a journal or book, you think it is sad to be writing it, but really, you get to open a fresh one when you are finished. Who doesn't like writing in an untouched notebook, where the pages are clean and fresh, the spirals are still spirals, not mushed pieces of crap, and everything is blank, waiting for you to take that first move, daring you to write the first word, to dirty it up with new mistakes and falters and moments of joy. I like that a lot, it's the best feeling in the world.

I didn't loathe high school, but at the same time I didn't love it. It's a neutral zone, and whoever made up the rule that it should last for four years was so right. That is just enough time to get things figured out, to mature to a point of independence, and to be ready for the next notebook.

I think I am content with that.

Life...is life's biggest question

I wrote the following poem in fifth grade and unearthed it a few weeks ago. I don't know what was running through my mind at the time, but somehow I think I knew that it would be so appropriate seven years in the future.


I hoped this year would never end
it's hard to say goodbye, my friend.
I wish the year would come again
and stay just the way it is.

It's so hard to say goodbye
I know for sure that I will cry.
All the good times I won't forget
but now our time is almost spent.

It's so very hard to say goodbye
and I know that it is even harder to try.
I wish yesterday was tomorrow
so that our parting may never bring such sorrow.

Today I gave goodbye number 1. I cried a little, and realized that these next few weeks will probably be the most emotional wrenching to date. I just can't think of saying goodbye.

Jealousy and Depression

I don't know if it is one, the other, or both that I am feeling at the present time. But where do these feelings come from? Who the heck gave a name to these two horrible feelings? I really don't like feeling this way, but I don't think it is going to end for a very long time. There are just too many things causing it, and I don't know how to fix it all.

On a happier note, only one more day left of high school ever!

Wrapping Up the Year

So my senior year is coming to a close and I am really happy. Happy to be out of high school, happy to be going to college, just happy. As it looms ever so much closer, a lot of things I forget about are happening...a lot of them can be referred to as lasts...

• I got my last yearbook today
• last spring-a-palooza
• Tomorrow I finish my last high school final ever
• Last choir concert last week
• Last band concert this week
• Last music fest on sunday
• Last music banquet friday
• Last projects
• Last full month
• I no longer have to listen to morning announcements
  

I'm pretty sure there are many others that I still can't thing of, but they will come upon me and I'll be like...oh yeah, I forgot about that. But until the end, dissecting cats is fun, math sucks and I literally gave up on finishing that project and I am three weeks away from graduation so I don't even care.

ahhh...feels good.

Stacy Tornado 90 Days from Landing Site

So...I've been thinking about this thing lately called college. Allegheny College really. My dorm room in Walker Annex inside one of the most beautiful buildings on campus, chillin with my room mate Ellen, and above all...fantasizing the possibilities. If you know me, and I'm assuming you do, you know what the one thing is in this world that I enjoy doing the most. Organizing. The possibilities are endless here. I'll be in a new space that is completely void of clutter and mess. Nobody has invaded the space in months and it is mine for the organizing.

The difference between this and organizing my own home is that it's new. My house is so full of clutter, and whenever I attempt to do anything here, my brother, mother and father collectively rampage through and ruin it, so I have given up. My room is reminiscent of a life past, my clutters and a time when I did not enjoy organizing so much.

So here I am stuck in this fantasy. My label maker is burning under my fingertips as I frantically type print and cut the neatly typed labels that shall don my important possessions. The shelves and the under bed containers and the desktop organizers. From packing the van full of my worldly materials to placing them neatly in my room, I plan to defy the college clutter syndrome...and keep Ellen out of it too. This whole new level is waiting to be released, and I am ready to let it out.

For one of the first times ever I am thankful for the problem that has plagued my mind for the past three years...I didn't know that would ever be possible. I just hope it doesn't get out of control.

August 25, 2007 the Tornado Stacy will make landing in Meadville...label maker and all =)

WOW...it's really coming fast

So I kind of gave up on this, but now that my life maybe is not so depressing in my eyes, I will start again.

So Senior Ball 2007 was a blast. Pictures are on my facebook if you have access, if not, they will be on shutterfly soon. There were your whores, slutbag hos and punk ass idiots of course, but as with anything, if you stick with your friends you are guaranteed to have fun.

I honestly don't think I realized how many friends I do have until I started planning this whole prom business. It really makes you stop and think...THAT many people love you and they would care if you were to unexpectedly leave, or do something incredible stupid that hurts you an them. I love that feeling. It's security, it's knowing that I exist for something other than my own life. I have an effect on all of these people, and I take that responsibility at heart.

But really now...when did this year happen? Things were going so slow. And now I don't have the time or energy to catch my feet to the ground. Last night was my brick wall of sorts. I was so excited for it all and it was an absolutely amazing night...but seriously now...I only have ONE MORE MONTH with a lot of these people. And then it was an overwhelming rush...did I dance enough with them? Talk enough with her? Pay enough attention to her? Why do we do these things though...ask ourselves these questions..

I have come to a conclusion there. I am afraid of the end. What if these people I love so much will never talk to me again until we are forced into the same room for the 10 year reunion? I would blame myself for not making the bonds of the friendship so ionic that they are unbreakable.

One thing I feel guilty about is the thing I am the most afraid of and looking forward to the least. June 24, 2007, I will see one of the most amazing people I have met in years get on a plane to travel about 4,600 miles back to her home. And I won't see her again for at least three years, if ever. The next day, June 25, 2007, I have to do it again. This for me is the most awful thing of all. It even undermines graduation and makes the though of it depressing. June 23, 2007 will be the happiest day of my life to date...I hope. But the two days following could perhaps be the most depressing.

I love my other friends just as much. the difference is that we have a summer together, and that we come back for Christmas and the summer, and with the exception of Melanie, we are all here.

Gatting old is a rollercoaster...I guess I'm on that really up-down hilly part right at the end. That's ok, because then it pulls into the station and begins the climb to my next life climax.

Ahoj.

Oh it has been a while...and my last entry was quite depressing in a sense. But things have changed since then...I am still alive.

So today was all pretty much about one thing...friends. A lot of things happened with them today, and I really do realize that I am surrounded by a fantastic group of people who really love me. Whether it be the ability to forgive me after calling them unnecessary obscenities. The joy of laughing obnoxiously half to piss of Kristina, half because we just can't stop during choir. Being able to seriously joke about dissecting cats and doing all sorts of different things in the process while talking about kidneys, urine and the adrenal glands. Pushing me to go further up a wall. Setting aside time to visit a swingset at a park and watch James Franco movies. Taking me out for an after-school milkshake. Impersonating stupid American accents..."That is so fetch!". Coordinating a hug from across the hall while everybody is trying to leave..."Go now! No wait...don't go! NOW STACY! No stop!..." And finally, having true and full belief in me all the way.

I realize I may have seemed like a bitch this past week...because I was a bitch. I was tired...I couldn't wear my contacts...my brain was wreaking obsessive-compulsive havoc on me, which automatically makes me edgy.

So anywho...thanks y'all. I love you all...je vous aime beaucoup...mam te moc rada...whatever language you speak, you get it.

Only six more days until Spring break...we can make it (???)

So, I've been on this kick lately...a mood per say. It's an anti-Stacy mood and it's really kinda bumming me out. It's been a week since my favorable pants, and everything has just been blah since.

Last week was hell...a hell that I never want to revisit. As hellish as it was with 4 tests and a research paper due, so many nice things happened that almost make me want to go back. Different people were nice to me, others I never really had to see(family). I always had something to do, there was not a dull moment, yet when they came they were welcome. I thoroughly enjoyed the show and would do it again in a heartbeat, and I want to do it again soo bad. Even though my lips are dead and I have a concert on Wednesday.

So there are a few things that I learned about myself over the past week or so, that have kind of been getting me down...

• I can't dance or sing
• I'm not the type of girl you like back
• people can pretend to be my friend, then really not care at all about me
• I am not secretly amazing at rock climbing...i have a theory that one day I will do something and I will be absolutely amazing at it an people will be like wow...she's pretty darn good at that. It isn't dancing, singing, ice skating, rock climbing...or a number of other things I have tried.
• I'm not in AP English
• I suck at the things I'm "good at"
• I only have 8 PIG hours and the Volleyball tournament is this Saturday

You know, and a lot of these things are the hypothetical what if situations. What if I could dance and was up on that stage this weekend soaking in the bright lights and sweating my butt off but having so much fun with it at the same time. What if I had something to show for my accomplishments than a stupid report card and a passing AP Biology test? All these things I wonder.

I guess I just don't know how to say things anymore.

Please tell me what causes that...

So today sucked, but Im' ok with that, because I officially HATE math. Natural response.

I have realized something recently that I reallyreally am rather ashamed of and I am not happy about it. And I just don't know who to tell, but I can't keep it inside and therefore I put it here...in very vague terms. I don't know why I feel this way. But it seems to always happen around this time of year.

That was kind of stupid of me right there. Don't get yourself caught up in it please, because I won't tell you.

Now I must go write an entire research paper. Just kill me now. I hate school.

Glorious Day

Today, something happened. I'm not talking about the senior prank that some people pulled today, or the fact that I was completely cracked out or something. I'm talking about the atmosphere. It's almost as if the world just decided to be warm and welcoming again. I walked out of school without a jacket...just my shirt. And it felt WONDERFUL.

I wanna go do something, like take a page form Rachel's book and go rollerblading. That sunds like a lot of fun and a good workout. Maybe I'll take my sneakers to pit tonight and run around a bit in between. But unfortunately I am stuck here doing calculus that I am completely clueless on.

I just can't get over the feeling, as I stopped at my locker after and thinking...no, I don't need to put this thermal-keep-me-alive-in-a-snowstorm jacket...it's beautiful out. I have no doubt about that. And it was gorgeous. I opened my car and felt a rush of warm air from it baking in the sun all day. Sat down in my now stretchy and hot leather seat. Even my lumbar cushion had expanded in the warmth...as air molecules usually do, so I had to deflate it a little bit. It was all sooo amazing I don't know what to say. I even drove home with the sunroof cracked!

My dog WANTS to go outside. I got home, and shoveled snow onto the driveway to increase the surface area. It's amazing how much the weather can change in a short while. One week we are braving blustering winds with a state of alert storm on the way, the next, I walk out the door at 6.20 and can smile at the lack of snow in my front yard.

It even smells of springtime freshness :)

I love spring...ciao bellas

Everything is Better in Favorable Pants

Today sucked, I'm not gonna lie, and this week will suck. But I'm not gonna sit here and gripe about it right now. You know why? Because I am wearing favorable pants.

I was up until about 3 last night studying the same stuff I had been studying all weekend, after the most grueling tech rehearsal ever...that calculates out to 3 hours of sleep about. I got up and had a 3 minute freezing cold shower (you try taking a 3 minute shower with OCD), screwed up my makeup, had to make decaf tea as we were out of regular, was forced to make different waffles because we were out of the kind I like, and 2 minutes before leaving, I discovered a frosty surprise on my car, making me late.

If that wasn't enough reason for me to want to be a bitch today...

I went to school, Cait McNaney decided to start the countdown to first block at 4 minutes instead of 5, screwing me up, I had to write 2 worksheets, an essay thing, and finish my bio questions but I still found time to make fun of the crappy movie. We played 1812 through today in band, we stood mixed in choir when all I really wanted to do was study for the bio test that I was pretty confident on already. Turns out that confidence doesn't mean anything because I am not really sure where that test and I stand...lifelong enemies or friends to the end. There were 2 people in lunch today, me and Danielle Cumbo. Then I go to math...the single largest waste of time and space in my life...where Mr. Strohm hands me all the work he neglected to give to me after math league Thursday...a packet about 1 cm thick and 7 practice AP Questions...he wanted 3 by the end of class.

I have a French test tomorrow, an English test Wednesday, and a math test Wednesday, and a research paper due Friday. Play practice EVERY NIGHT this week for at least 4 hours each time.

You know what though, even if you didn't read all of that boring garble, I could care less. Nothing could touch me today. I animated a voice for my car as I pulled into my parking spot. I was bursting at the seams with confidence as I went into my bio test, I accepted each hurdle with a level I had never before seen in myself. Why though?

FAVORABLE PANTS

It took me a while to think up the right adjective to use with these pants...favorable was perfect. They are khaki cargos, baggy and comfy, but as baggy as they are, they are a size 5 which is amazing as they are still too big, they make my ass look amazing, and they fit so nicely. Not to mention they are the light and breezy fabric that you can only wear in the spring time, and today was close enough.

The funny thing to take note of is how much my mood was altered by the aforementioned pants. You can even see it in my typing...I am being wordy as opposed to my usual English vocabulary defiant writing.

The point is, you should try wearing favorable pants tomorrow...your most favorablest. That way everyone will be happy. Of course they're not magic, you gotta go forth with the right mindset. I like days like today when they go right. That's all folks.

More Fun

So I feel kinda bad about subjecting you all to that last post, so here are some pictures that cheer me up, but probably not so much you.


So this is Bentley Hall, the trademark of Allegheny College. It is said that the 25 president of the United States, who served from 1897-1901, President McKinley, brought a cow up to the top of the tower while attending the school. Ohh McKinley.





If you look at this picture and let your eyes wander to the right, you are looking at my residence hall for ext year, assuming I get into the hall I want. It's pretty I know.


Ravine Bridge...the ravine runs right through Allegheny in front of Bentley Hall...it's amazing and I love it so much











Now I'm bored...Check Y'all later

So, This is gonna be boring for you

Somehow in the course of the week, I have accumulated a mountain of homework so high that I fear it just might take over the world...or something like that. I don't know how it happened, or when. I'm only taking five real classes, ugh. So the following is Stacy's weekend, which she has taken today to plan out in her agenda...

• English research project...due March 12. Apparently though, according to Mrs. Hill, I have extreme passion for my subject...and I do, it doesn't make it any less annoying to write.
• Biology Test Corrections...due March 5...thank you Mel and Rachel for taking me out the night before, but I don't appreciate a 69 on my photosynthesis test...even if "it is passing"
• Biology question sets...I don't know when these are due, but Doc gave us the last set of four today...that means test coming up...and I wanna avoid the same crunch I got myself into last time, especially with the show coming up.
• Calculus...one assignment, two assignment, red assignment, test next Monday
• French class is a waste of my life and I wanna learn new stuff at some point this year, and I am sick of writing these stupid scrapbooks, annoying beyond belief...FCUK you FORSYTH
• PIG...I am done with this class. I don't like it at all. I don't really like Ms. Peterson and I have my reasons. There is no reason I should have a 91 in there. That class and I are not getting along right now, but I have to write journals and crap for it now. And I don't really like the Snow Volleyball Tournament, but it's a project and will be over in a few weeks.
• More English...reading 2 chapters in Frankenstein, who cares?
• More Biology...apparently I have to read an additional chapter...joy
• I have about 5 various birthday gifts to catch up on...Dating from January 18 to March 13...I do love giving, but finding the time for it sucks.

And on top of it all, I am spending all day tomorrow in Buffalo. Sure it means mall and Duff's, but I have a crap load of homework.

Umm yeah...that's all...other than pit orchestra might kill me

TGIF

The Senioritis Bus

I got hit by it then got on. I accepted myself to my college of choice, started getting absolutely psyched about it and talked about it a lot. Now I see no point in going to high school. I will here quote the blog of Rachel for specific reference to the way i feel...just because I'm lazy and Rachel explains it so nicely.

I. Hate. High School. I wish I could convey my level of disgust over the internet, but it's just not possible. I feel about CCHS the way most people feel about diarrhea. From the way it's always, always cold, to that specific CCHS smell lingering in the halls, to the lockers and flooring and wall tiles from the 70's (avacado green, urine yellow and burnt orange,) to all of the busywork classes that waste my life away and the people that hate to be there just as much as I do. I'm tired of eating lunch in the same exact place every day and always without fail having to ask permission to go to the bathroom. I hate getting up at quarter to six every single weekday. I hate it when teachers outline your projects for you so that everyone does it their specific way, and hand you packets because they can think of nothing beter to do with their lesson time. I hate it when people are already ooing and ahhing over prom, and the teachers that are already flipping out about APs. I can't think straight in that place, I cannot breathe there.

I want to be treated like an adult. I want to be trusted to use the bathroom when I need to. I want everyone to chill, just chill; if I go out for lunch you can trust me to show up for my next class, I'm not going to blow up the school, and prom is not for three months yet. Chill.

To everyone who has moved beyond high school, I know, I know it's not the end of the world. Believe me, I know. But if you had to get written permission to walk twenty feet down the hall and grab a pen out of your locker, you would be pretty grumpy, too.

So yeah...I've been a bit grumpy lately, I haven't been able to sleep, AP Bio is killing my brain, and I'm just sick of things...which is pathetic because we just finished break, and really depressing because we have five straight weeks of school with no days off...oh March...in like a lion, through like hell, out like a freaking blue whale, if I make it that far.

So yeah, that's all I really feel like posting.

Oh yeah, y'all may have noticed an awesome person posting a comment on my last entry named Ellen...that's my room mate next year so you better get used to her!!! That's right, I have a roommate and it feels awesome...another thing that has been fueling immensely my senioritis.

Content as a Clam

So it's been a week since I chose my school officially. And I could not feel better. I feel so far beyond content that it's nearly scary. I haven't felt this light and free in years. I enjoy so much talking about Allegheny and thinking about the opportunities available to me next year. Something that I discovered this week was the best feeling in the world and I never knew it...filling out a declination of admission card to a college you really don't want to go to but were only considering because of money. IT FELT AMAZING!

Now I wanna do stuff, like shop for coordinating plastic hangers and even jump ahead so far as to meet my roommate. I've met a few people in an Allegheny Class of 2011 group on facebook, and there are some really cool people and then there are also some real assfaces who want to look like idiots by having a huge party the first night. Yeah, hopefully half of them drop out before graduation haha...evil thoughts already.

But still, I am psyched for this whole experience!

A Decision to Hold My Life On

The biggest thing on many of our minds these days is college. We all want to get there as fast as possible. Whether it be the person sitting at last Fridays pep rally just thinking that if they had to sit through another of those, they would have to shoot themselves, or the huge argument that you had with your mother this week. We have all realized that High School has nothing left to offer us. Home life is getting unbearable. Above all, we are ready to turn the page and venture to the next chapter in our lives.

So here I must begin to start writing it, make it official, insert it into the table of contents right after adolescence and high school.

COLLEGE

It all starts as a junior in high school, for some, including myself, even sophomore year with that first test we all take: PSAT. I hated that thing and didn't take again as a junior. But this test became an invitation for hundreds of colleges to add me to their mile long address book and start sending me junk asking me to go to their college. Le Moyne, Gannon, Geneseo, some random college in Guatemala. It's all so confusing and overwhelming, and as you look through all of the mailings, ou can't help but look at each one and wonder, is this where I will be in three years?

For the majority of the trees that came through my post box, they were trashed and never thought of again. However, I can't help but remember one particular mailing that I got from a college my sophomore year. It was from some little college in Pennsylvania and had it not been for their catch phrase, I would have never looked at them twice...A liberal arts college where 1,200 students with unusual combinations and interests excel. I have unusual combinations and I have unusual interests, why not?

Two years later now. I have a 32 ACT under my belt, AP Biology rules my life, and I don't have very many worries in the world. I have completed all of my college applications and now I just need to hear back from them. One particular sunny and cold winter day, I received a piece of mail from Allegheny college, the same one that caught my heart two years before. I had completed their "leadership application" and had been waiting for about a month. I had been accepted, not a big deal really, but the real story is that they had given me their highest scholarship. 60,000 dollars over 4 years of school, that's 15,000 dollars a year. I was ecstatic. This was a huge breakthrough in my college decision. Sure it didn't bring the price down to Stony Brook level, but it was now only a few thousand more a year to go to the place that I really felt I belonged.

So i think this is me closing the door. No more room for decision. I didn't care if it still costs me 20,000 dollars a year to go there, loans are a given. Allegheny College of Meadville Pennsylvania, watch out, Stacy is coming to stay.

So It's to Be

It's been a couple weeks, and a LOT has happened.

We won the regional Ocean's Bowl...aka the Bay Scallop Bowl. Therefore I am a grand richer and aparantly I can't spend a penny of it for my own enjoyment. It either goes entirely to a French Horn, or it goes entirely toward my first semester of books. Fantastic. This news came last night when I shared with my family what I thought were my official plans for the money were...I was gonna buy myself a nice jacket and then hit the slopes for the first time in my life, then with the rest, I was gonna start a send Stacy to the Czech Republic fund, so that in a few years, I will be able to traverse the Atlantic Ocean to see the friends with which I have become really close this year and could very well never see again otherwise. Well that's shot.

Monday, Rachel and Melanie took me out for a night on the town...that meant no swim lessons, gelato, club and James Franco. It was amazing.

The resqt of the week was spent failing a bio test (probably) and technically failing a math test but still getting a 90. Snow day on Wednesday was amazing...not really though because I couldn't do anything. I still got to feel like a kid and collapse in the snow and remember what it used to be like...then remembering why I don't do that anymore because I couldn't get up. It was pretty cool though. I threw my dog into a pile of snow that was much larger than him, then had to rescue him.

Pep rally was...the pep rally. Nothing special, but Friday night was pretty fun. Swimming party fizzled, so I ended up playing in the snow at Rachel's then watching the worst movie ever...never watch Marie Antoinette, it is terrible.

But here I sit now, trying to think of what else happened and knowing I forgot something in there that nobody cares about anyhow, and I am just revelling in the week ahead. No school, no worries. I don't even have any homework! I am still gonna try to get most of my research paper done, and most of my Bio question set out of the way. This week I intend to be productive.

And tomorrow I get to go to the chiropractor!!!

Really though, I have nothing planned so call me up and lets do something. Tuesday and Thursday I have Snow Volleyball planning meetings, but that's nothing. I wanna do stuff this February break, because I usually don't do stuff.

I must get back to cleaning my room so I can do whatever the heck I want this week!!

Friendship...

I've had friendships all my life, everybody has. It's something that everybody needs to make them feel good and to give them support. Family is great and all, but I seriously share more with my friends than ever with my family. Almost never though is every friendship perfect. Friendship is not meant to be easy.

I've learned a lot about my friends and friendship in general this past year.

I've learned a friendship can't be repaired in one night
Nor can it be made...
but it can so easily be broken in that same amount of time.

I've learned of the dangers of sharing too much with one friend
and not enough with another.

I've learned that some friends want you to bend over backward to meet their needs
and make them happy
but others get angry if you strive too hard.

I have few great friendships
and sometimes it feels like I have not one
but always the same people come back in the end.

after the rifts of life have tossed them a few times over the ocean.

or after the real world bit them in the ass.

That is a friendship.

You don't always have to get along, and you won't.

You just need something to come back to.

I hope I always have something to come back to, and that I don't lose that in college. Without my friends, oldest to newest, I just might have taken a flight out of an office building window a year and a half ago.

NEVER give up the fight because it is worth it in the end.

Spanish Speakers Beware

Je vais écrire ce blog complètement en français. Il sera un défi pour moi, mais il sera aussi bon pour améliorer mon français.

Je dois vous dire que s'est passé hier soir, c'était très excité et un peut drôle. Le concurrence de Science Olympiad était très ennuyeux et quand je suis retournée chez moi, j'avais faim. Mes parents sont sortis; ma mère est allée à un boum, mon père travaillait, et aussi mon frère était sur le point d'aller chez un amie.

Je n'ai pas voulu manger le dîner seule, alors j'ai telephoné Tyna. Nous sommes sorties à Stone's pour manger le dîner. Nous avons mangé les hamburgers avec fromage. Vous rendez compte que quand nous sommes parties à Stone's, il faisait du soleil et il faisait froid, mais beau tout le même. Nous étions sur le point de partir, mais la serveuse nous a dit qu'il faisait très mauvais, c'était une tempête de neige. Nous avons décidé de rester au restaurant depuis il ne faisait pas si mauvais; environ une heure.

Quand nous sommes sorties du restaurant, le neige était partout! Il était environ vingt centimetres du neige sur ma voiture je ne le m'attendais pas! Il était très très froid et mes doigts ont gélé très vite. Tyna et moi ont changé des places dans la voiture et se brossé la voiture.

Au lieu de conduire chez Tyna, j'ai conduis chez moi depuis ma mère est retournée. Nous avons chang" nos pantalons et regardé.

Ce soir, j'ai été cencé aller chez Emily pour voir les films avec Rachel, Carolyn, Mel et Emily. Malheureusement nous avons dû annuler notre plan à cause du météo. C'est pour le bon, les rues étaient couvrir avec le neige et le vent le soufflait, ce n'est pas amusant.

Tous en tous, Tyna est drôle, les plus mauvaises choses se produisent au pis aller des periodes, et beaucoup de neige n'zst pas amusant dedans conduire.

Et aussi, j'aime écrire en français :)

décevoir...zklamat...disappoint

dis·ap·point /ˌdɪsəˈpɔɪnt/ Pronunciation Key - Show Spelled Pronunciation[dis-uh-point] Pronunciation Key - Show IPA Pronunciation –verb (used with object)

1.	to fail to fulfill the expectations or wishes of: His gross ingratitude disappointed us.

2.	to defeat the fulfillment of (hopes, plans, etc.); thwart; frustrate: to be disappointed in love.

The word of my day.


or week.


This dictionary definition seems so simple. Just another thing that you may run across in your life, another word. It's the feeling that says it all, when it's crushing down on you from all directions in every possible sense. That's when it hurts.

Merideth Grey's mother showed disappointment last night on Grey's Anatomy. How did she handle it? Anger. Lots of anger.

Half of the United States will be disappointed on Sunday, when the team they are rooting for in the Super Bowl loses, it's a 50/50 gamble for disappointment. How will they handle it? Drinking maybe. Maybe they will just go to bed and sleep it off, there is no way of knowing. The players will be disappointed in to $40,000 checks coming to their mansion when they know the other team is getting $75,000.

Different things disappoint different people, that is the point. Different people take disappointment differently.

Apparently I curl into my hovel of self and get depressed.

I feel as though disappointment ran my life this week. I promise things I can't live up to, causing disappointment to others. People I know continually disappoint me in their actions choices and the amount of love they are capable of.

I hate disappointment. Until it is felt, it has no meaning, it's just a word. You can say it in fifty languages and have nobody understand, but you can throw it at them in an emotional torrent and suddenly they understand. décevoir, zklamat, skuffe, teleurstellen, enttäuschen...they all mean one thing.

Actions do speak louder than words folks, and it's about time to realize that, before you feel the power of disappointment.

Mactivist...c'est moi

I hate days like today, where the rller coaster of life defines itself at one of its most intense up down bunny hill moments...like the end of the Superman. My emotions were all over first of all...happy-sad-happy-sad. I had issues, then I didn't have issues, then I had issues again. Things were crappy, good, crappy, good. I don't know what to make of it all.

To start a good note I have made a major step...I have an AP Bio test tomorrow...aka question sets are due oh no! For the first time EVER, I finished them before midnight...9:15 to be exact, and I started them yesterday, stayed after school until 4:00 yesterday and today, and went to the mall yesterday. I'm either getting really good at BSing questions, or I really know my evolution...for tests sake, I hope it's the latter.

I found myself positively stumped today, and not just with my roller coaster life, but
with my closest friends. I ran across a few situations where I just didn't know what to do, and I still don't know. I'm not going to expound, but sometimes I hate not being a good empathizer, not being able tto give good advice (which I seriously almost typed bons conseils...did I mention I'm in a French mood?)

At times I wish I had somewhere to look other than at my feet. Things need to be more clear, my scientific brain can't handle it...haha.

Seriously though, to all those I let down today, sorry I couldn't help.

This entry makes no sense. Maybe I shouldn't write it so late at night...that's ok...my last one I liked.

I got to show my Mactivist side today...someone asked me in gym what makes a Mac so much better than a PC...oh boy did I fly on that one :)

I Heart Apple

So I was inspired today...by one of my favorite companies ever, Apple. Everyone knows that I am a Mac Snob and I truly love my iPod and that in my world, PC is far inferior. Lately I've been angry about the recognition Mac gets as far as common software updates and versions, I am a Mac Rights Activist, and I want to do something about it.

Aside from that though, I ran across a documentary today about the iPod revolution...it's progression and how it came to shake the world. I know Apple's history and it's struggles and such over the years (Pirates of Silicon Vally anyone?), but I haven't really looked into recent history of the company.

This documentary got me thinking about my own future. In 1996, Steve Jobs returned to the company he had founded, but left 11 years earlier. He was re-accepted as a changed man. Those 11 years are my High school years...a sort of hibernating period to find out who I am and who I want to be. The early years of apple are my primary years as I figured out the basics to my life and develop unintentionally into who I am.

When Steve Jobs returned, he shook things up...a lot. Life at the company had been boring, with pathetic advances and measly crap ideas. I'm not going to give you Apple's history in it's entirety...but if you want it, you can ask me later. Basically, I look at myself now as I look at Apple in 1996. I am under new jurisdiction. I have a future ahead of me that is completely new ad untouched. I am cutting loose from the ties of high school and walking into the unknown, and I can be WHAT I WANT to be. I can sketch out a whole entirely new person for myself to be. Nobody has to know of my past, it is essentially obsolete. Sure people knew the company Apple used to be, but think. What first comes to your mind when it is mentioned? iPod, music revolution, superior design and function (maybe not...but it should)

No matter who you are, everyone needs this. To shake free of the stupid choices we made in jr. high, and to just live life how you want it.

For the first time in a long time, I am completely content with who I am and who I am about to become. I am going to make a list of things I wanna be rid of and things I want to take with me n my journey to college, maybe I'll even pick up a few traits.

I love Apple.

Most Good Days End in Crappy Nights

Sorry folks this is going to be a whirlwind update on my life...basically a rundown of y day, half good half bad.

This morning started out rather normal. I got up, got a credit card offer in the mail, and loafed around. I was then offered to join a few awesome folks in a trip to the mall...how could I pass this up? I needed a new bag for school, earrings, and a birthday gift for a birthday that happened a week ago. I came out of the mall with none of these things. Instead, I came out with a bag from Charlotte Russe and H&M. I made the ultimate savings at CR...2 for $20 3/4 sleeve shirts...buy one get one half off, $15, then the awesomest...an $18.99 hoodie for $2.99. It was amazing! Then I stocked up a couple tank tops at H&M. It was an amazing trip even though I got nothing accomplished that I needed. Melanie ripped her pants sitting on a bench, it was hilarious, the best part of my day.

Then I got home.

Right off the bat, my mother was bugging me to drag out the sewing machine and quickly sew on all of my brother's boy scout patches. Why she was doing this half an hour before the meeting I don't know. She also wanted me to scan a copy of his records or something. It's not like I have stuff to do.

The power went out for a matter of 2 seconds, meaning my computer shut off...and we don't have a surge protector on my computer (my dad says "we'll get to it") PIP (point in point) When I turned it back on, my ICQ had disappeared. Granted this doesn't bother me so much now that I know I can add ICQ numbers as screen names to my AIM, but the screed is now what I call unbalanced. I don't like not having it there. I attempted to download the program about 30 times, ad it was doing some weird thing where it tried to open some nonexistant Word document. It really got to pissing me off, which really got to pissing me off that my computer is almost inferior to PC in the eyes of others. Our programs are not nearly as updated (my AIM is equivelant to te one on PC from about 6th grade, and ICQ hasn't had an upgrade in 4 years) Why is this? Just because fewer people use Mac does not mean that they don't care about having updated stuff. Mac users actually expect the best because let's face it, most f us are pompous assholes who thing that we are superior because we use the computer of the future. Just shoot me.

Since my sewing machine was out, I decided to make a school bag (the one that I didn't get around to buying today). I accomplished a sore back and 2 small travel size pillowcases, on has a pocket. Apparantly I am incompetant to do simple stuff like that, and I don't know why...tonight was just not my night.

Grey's Anatomy was pretty awesome.

Next stop on my mother's hell train...Avon President's Club Scholarship Application..."is it filled out yet?" Mostly mom, just having trouble with these last couple of questions...

Make a brief statement or summary of your plans as they relate to your educational and career objectives and long term goals.

WTF am I supposed to make of that????

Please describe how and when any unusual family or personal circumstances have affected your achievement in school, work experience, or your participatio in school and community activities.

Well, they're asking the question, I might as well just not submit the application because now I'm out. So what if I haven't had a crappy life? So what that my conjoined twin sisters didn't die of leukemia and my grandfather didn't die doing backflips in the circus and I wasn't fighting a brain tumor with three broken legs all in my Junior year of high school. I still deserve contention for a scholarship. Since when did scholarships become based on 3 things, need, merit and crappy life? not every scholarship is the crappy life scholarship and I think scholarship granting people need to realize that. I am so sick of being overlooked because I haven't struggled to keep an ounce of sanity as my world is turned upside-down or my family isn't living in a one bedroom shack paycheck to paycheck. It does not necessarily mean that I can afford college. Ugh.

Basically tonight, the world started to piss me off...

Anyone want some travel size pillowcases??? They are rather cute.

Another Day Gone By

Today turned ot to be far more uneventful than I would have hoped. I got up, talked online for a bit, went to modified practice, went grocery shopping and started a jigsaw puzzle while my homework sat beside me untouched.

I did however get my first acceptance letter to a college...Allegheny College to be exact. It wasn't a surprise, but I'm officially in now if I want it. They also told me that I have been granted a Trustee Scholarship of amount to be determined, this is their highest scholarship and I'm happy.

I also took a personality profiler test...I hate these things. They always emphasize the negative, and things you already know and hat about yourself. This one was particularly fun, asking me hypothetical statements and having me reply agree disagree or somewhere in the tween zone. My particular favorite: I am mystical, I strongly disagreed. Here's the results if anyone cares:

depressed, introverted, neat, needs things to be extremely clean, observer, perfectionist, not self revealing, does not make friends easily, suspicious, irritable, hates large parties, follows the rules, worrying, does not like to stand out, fragile, phobic, submissive, dislikes leadership, cautious, takes precautions, focuses on hidden motives, good at saving money, solitary, familiar with the dark side of life, hard working, emotionally sensitive, prudent, altruistic, heart over mind, unadventurous

it always saddens me when these things are right.

However, I have one thing that this test does not have...good friends, one in particular who likes large parties...and this particular friend (name beginnung with Ray and ending with chole) pointed out a few key traits that this test did not pick up on...

fun, loyal friend, intelligent, excellent sense of humor, balance to careless friends, thoughtful, always remembers birthdays, great gift-giver, efficient worker, prioritizer, loving even though she wouldn't admit it...

I find it ever helpful to have optimistic friends, and I love them so.

Each one of my friends is special to me.
From Rachel, who does stuff like this and always is coming out with little surprises that just amaze me each and every day as to how wonderful a friend can be,
to Melanie, my partner in criminalistic activity, our personalities and views on life may clash sooo much, but when we're together, there is no knowing what to expect...it is always awesome though.
Carolyn has it together, or at least she makes it look that way. She is extremely intelligent and can be my go to gal for almost any situation. She has opened my mind to so many things, mostly in the music department.
Emily is Emily, she's a bit off the walls, but always a bundle of joy. Spontaneous and wild, she has brought a lot of good times to my life over the past 10 years.

There are also three people I've met this year who have changed my life FOREVER. I've come to the serious realization of what I need to be in order to succeed outside of High School...not a bitch, and these girls have shown it to me by showing me how to make new friends and be loyal to each. I seriously don't know what I would have done had these girls not come into my life, though I'm sure I would be getting by just fine. I hate referring to them as a group, but it's hard not to and I know everyone knows who I'm talking about, but Tyna, Irenka and Jitka have really brought me out this year.

Thank you all of my friends.

When did this post become so mushy gushy? Oh yeah, when I needed sleep, sorry about that folks, but I'm not going to erase it. This quickly became an interesting entry, but that's the way (uh-huh, uh-huh) I like it.

good night folks, and have a pleasant tomorrow.

Oh Wondrous Being

My afternoon became a rather uneventful thing. I watched old episodes of Alias and Tru Calling, and took four hours to clean a keyboard. It is sparkling white now tough and that makes me rather happy. I decided that this computer is officially mine and nobody else's. Therefore I took everyone elses stuff off the desk (and there was a lot of it), I cleared about 2,000 songs from my iTunes, and deleted a ton of pictures that are not mine. It is feeling much more like home.

While cleaning my keyboard, I spilled a glass of water. It nearly ruined an $80 basket and a priceless DVD set. It was a scary moment.

My mom wants to know what medical school I am going to...WTF!?!?!

and there is my afternoon...haha...nothing fun, I just was bored and have recently determined that I'm obsessed with my blog, I love updating it and I don't know why.

A Normal Whats-Going-Down-in-My-Life Entry

So I'm bored with this 7 day break already. I think I'm gonna clean my room further, take the stickers off my keyboard because they're getting gross, watch some TV, do nothing and do more of nothing. Maybe I'll go to the modified meet today. Who knows, if I'm THAT bored.

So I had some pretty awesome plans for today, but they got spoiled very quickly. Today, I had some plans to go to the mall. I would pick up Tyna, Ireanka and I guess also Jitka now from their English Regents exam at school and just go out there. I need to buy a new bag for school (mine is a little gross), some new earrings (I wanna wear them more often) and maybe some clothes...if I can scrap up the money for it, but most likely the bag and earrings. Tyna needs sneakers, Irenka needs shoes and Jitka likes back flips.

I had the plans all laid out, everyone could go, we were happy...la dee da. Then my mom steps in. I had cleared the idea with her 3 days before. "You're going where with who?" Yeah mom, you know. So last night, January 22 at 22:00, she decides that it's time to put restrictions on Stacy driving. "We never let Michelle drive out to the mall did we" of course my dad, "Doop-dee-doo, uh iduno" "No we did NOT!" to make a longlong story rather short, She decided "I don't want you driving out to the mall so late in the day tomorrow, you can find something else to do, besides, it's pointless to go out there for a freaking school bag. It's absolutely dumb and a wast of gas." So I had to make an ass of myself and call Irenka at around 22:00, thankfully she called the other girls. Now they're going to study at Tyna's and my afternoon is looking crappy.

On another note...I would like to make an analogy out of the AP Calculus midterm...

The AP Calculus midterm would most conveniently be compared with King Kong's older brother, Kenny, on a rampage through the streets of London because somebody took his bottle of booze.

I am done talking of one said AP Calculus midterm and wish to never speak or think of it again.

Done.

My Analyzing-a-quote entry

The tragedy of modern man is not that he knows less and less about the meaning of his own life but that it bothers him less and less.

-Vaclav Havel

I came across this quote, and I like it. I just hope it won't apply to me. But I see all the dumbasses walking around this world today without a single care in the world. They don't know where they are, they don't know where they're going. They just don't care...unless it's their cell phone or new shirt.

Sometimes I hate this world that we live in, then I look at those who are close around me and I realize that if you look in just the right places, you can find some good among all of the bad.

thanks guys.

Let's Try this

So...I seriously am NOT going to let this blog thing go down the drain...it was so close but I saved it at the last minute. I also don't want it to become that thing into which I pour all of my sad feelings and make it depressing, so I will try not to.

I got nothing accomplished this weekend...but I don't care because I have 1.2 days of school this week. When I finally sat down to do my math review packet, I kicked ass at it, so it's all good. And I am so very happy that I have one midterm and it is math. I can handle math because it does not rely on the concrete memorization of facts, it can always be derived from somewhere.

I ran into a dilemma this weekend that I can't discuss here and can only discuss it with a few people with which I feel like sharing it. I just don't know what to do about it, because it's a one way street. I'm going to try to stop explaining it while being vague. Just ask me if you wanna know.

Things brightened tonight on a spontaneous jitters date with two of my favorite foreigners. I don't knw why, but we seem to get each other and things just seem to work out when we talk. I feel kinda guilty when I do this though and I shouldn't, but I feel as though I am abandoning my oldest friends who know me better than anyone else to talk it out with my newest ones. I'm not really abandoning though...again, I give up.

I have an odd feeling lately, a strong feeling to cry. Not of sadness though, of joy. I want to be blown off my feet by something so wonderful that it fills my eyes with tears of joy, but I don't know what it could be. Maybe it's a sort of sign for things to come, that it's going to happen to me soon, but I don't think so. It takes a lot to get me going emotionally like that, though I have eased up over the past year or so. I still just want SOMETHING to happen. it seems that life takes a standstill in winter. That things sort of stop in their tracks and I don't like it. I need something exciting, a little grease on my engine, and basketball season is not the answer...I hate basketball.

I just need something special and I feel guilty for it.

Will I ever?

The question that's been burning in my head for the last 2 months:

Will I ever be able to kiss a boy?

I just don't know and it's driving me insane...

First Timer

This is officially the first blog I've kept since over a year ago when I used to keep a livejournal...this is so much better though. A lot of things have changed with time also. right now, this is probably not the best time for me to be posting because I am sick and a little bit stressed and frustrated and anti-parakeet.

I have come to recognize parakeet as an adjective thanks to an interesting man I met this past week. I won't share the whole story because I don't feel as if it is the business of too many people, but basically, this man told me that I should take life examples from the parakeet (he cited his parakeet...can't remember the name). This means that I should live my life loud and free despite the cage holding me in...as if to say "Stacy's here and what are you gonna do about it!" Of course the idea at the end is to break from the cage and live life fully.

I am not parakeet today.

Lately I have been in a heap of worry over school and next year. I don't know what the heck I want to do...Allegheny or Stony Brook? And also I have been doubting lately whether I can hold up to college. I haven't shared this part with anyone yet, but there's nobody I really feel I should discuss it with. The one person is gone, the other two I always run to in this type of situation and I don't want to keep doing that. So what do I do? I'm seriously been thinking about giving into this thing I am fighting against. If you think I'm being vague, sure I'm not coming out right and saying it, but I think you most likely know what I'm talking about.

I don't feel like making New Years Resolutions, because that would involve pouring out everything wrong about myself and vowing to fix it...I don't think I like that.

One thing I do want to do though is to spend more time with my friends, new and old. It's so hard because I barely have any time left with either group. I wish I had a reason to have a party sometime soon...that would be FUN.

On a happier note because you are probably bored...I love all of my friends. To the bone or pretty close to it. I LOVE YOU ALL!!!

Maybe toucan should be an adjective.