So there's this thing known as OCD, and this thing kind of like it known as OCPD. Technically, I fall under categories of both and have been working to over come it. There's this component of OCD however that has seemed to be absent from my mind. Until not.
Under a light-hearted general description of the obsessive compulsive disorder, the average person would find a key component of 'excessive worry and constant fear that the worst will happen.' Yes this happens when I feel I need to do something...I just need to do it or something bad WILL happen and I can't describe it any other way. That's one way this description applies. However, many OCD sufferers relay experiences of visions of just general destruction and generally bad things happening to those they love or themselves. I had never experienced this before.
When I said goodbye to Tyna this weekend, it was just kind of like blah de blah I'll see you when you get there on the internet, but somehow I could not let it leave my mind. I had horrific ideas of terrorism and her getting stuck and lost somewhere or missing all of her planes. Stuff like that. I barely slept Sunday night, and figured it was because I knew she was having problems with arrangements. I even broke out in a wave of stress acne. Then I said goodbye to Irenka, and the same thing happened. I tried to keep in contact with ANYONE who might know the travel situations of the two. I learned that Tyna was grounded in Atlanta, but I also fond out that Irenka got to JFK alright.
Both of them arrived safely in Ostrava yesterday, and only then did I feel a wave of relief. I smiled freely and got an appetite again and I was able to have fun with friends. it was the most amazing feeling ever. Of course now all I do is curse the 6 hour time difference and hope to catch either one of my friends online. I want to use the camcorder that I am using as a temporary webcam and I just want to see them. I realize that it is truly amazing how much a friendship can bud and progress in a single year.
mercredi 27 juin 2007
dimanche 24 juin 2007
You really don't need to read this.
So I graduated last night...yippee, it was amazing.
This next part is for my own documentation, you don't need to read it. You will find it boring and probably feel as though it depresses me, but not so much to write about it.
So, not 24 hours after my high school graduation, the culmination of the last thirteen years of my life and blah de blah (see previous entry), I did the most difficult thing I have ever done. A wonderful young woman named Kristyna Kvasnickova, often referred to as Tyna Beana or mon chou chou...left.
The day started out me getting up early so I could run to the store and grab some grad gifts (for people whose parties were left unattended by me...whoops.) As I was getting ready to leave, there was a knock on the door. The unmistakable head cast a shadow in the curtained window. It was Irenka. She had come to say goodbye, tears already streaming down her face, ushering a river of equal proportions from me. As we hugged for about ten minutes, my hair still wet and unbrushed, she said something that really sent me off. "I came here and I did not find an American boyfriend, but I found my Stacy Bacy, and that's better." I was seriously not expecting to say goodbye to her until tomorrow, and I actually have to drop stuff off to her so I won't, but it was still emotional, and kind of scared me as to what I would be like a few hours later.
One very hurried trip to Wal-Mart later and I was back home, the Bates van pulled into my driveway. I grabbed some important things and as I walked out the door, I saw a bobbing cowboy hat exiting the van and smiled. We stopped at Timmy Ho's one last time, I gave her a necklace and Jitka's scrapbook, and then I realized that the airport is not as far away as I thought. We unloaded and went straight to the Delta counter, there was no line and it was all good. I prepared myself for the hardest.
And then the words, in that sarcastic Tyna voice..."I guess I'm not going then, yah?"
The flight was delayed about two hors, and the landing in Atlanta interfered with her flight to Prague. We stood for about a half an hour at that counter, sorting out all of the possible options, and eventually building up a line behind us that was very angry.
Tyna had a choice of waiting two days until the next available seat opened up, which we were game for, but she was worried about her parents in Czech...they would not be too happy. Another choice was getting up at 3 tomorrow morning to go to the Buffalo airport for a flight out of there. And then there was the option where Tyna took the same flight, attempted to make the plane in Atlanta, but if she didn't she would be put up in a hotel for the night and take the first flight out tomorrow...she liked the sound of free hotel and free food. So this was the choice. The lady went in to book it and there was another roadblock that really kind of opened the road. Somebody had gone in and scheduled different flights. Rochester to Atlanta to Paris to Prague. Sounds great!
So we had another two hours. We got her regular luggage all checked in and now we just waited. Ze sat around the airport for a bit, talking, I messed with Tyna's cowboy hat and determined it was one of the only hats I could pull off. We went back to the Bates' house, and I remember looking at my watch at about 15:50 and realizing that I should be on my way home, remembering my last hug and last words and last glimpse with probably one of the most amazing people in my life. But no, she was sitting across the room babbling in Czech about the delay and what was happening to her parents, showing them graduation pictures and saying goodbye I'll see you tomorrow...amnd me intently listening for any word I recognized.
Then we left for airport trip round two. I knew this time that there was no saving grace to give me more time with her, I would have to say goodbye. The entire ride was spent in a mini French lesson, teaching her basic words and phrases to make her have a good time on the plane. It was so much fun to use my passion for French to teach someone else. We went over the words until we reached the counter, where she got some angry glares as she went up to the same lady to sort out a mystery of a missing boarding pass. And then, it was time.
The security gate was empty, and Tyna did not want to prolong this any more than she needed to. She hugged me first, and I started crying, and then she went down the line. Debbie started crying after I did, and got worse when Tyna hugged her. I lightly punched her shoulder and said st'astnu cestu (have a good trip in Czech) and gave her a final hug.
I cried miserably as I watched her pass through the blinding white security area in that hat, with that skateboard on her back, and give a final wave as she crossed into the unknown. I just cried. Debbie offered me a tissue and a hug, I gladly accepted both, and after about ten minutes, we knew there was nothing more to do, no more to see, and headed back to the car.
I got home and walked back into my house after one last hug from Debbie. Only to find my family was not expecting me for dinner, so I ate a bowl of broccoli and a boca. I had not eaten all day, and yet I still was not hungry. Not before, not after, but I knew I should eat. After sulking around, I needed to get out of the house. So I went to Kristen's grad party and decided to have a good time and forget about it for a while. Of course everybody know, so they asked how I was and being reminded, I started crying again with each time it was mentioned. Finally people stopped mentioning it and I had a good time.
It was a sad day, and the happiest thing will be to hear her voice across the internet, home and safe. It was a fun day...in ways, and I love my Tyna.
"Charles DeGualle...where is that?" "Paris" "Oooh...I get to go to France!"
"Air France and Paris...uh oh, I'm wearing my I love NY t-shart and I look American...the French hate Americans. How do I say I am NOT American?"
"Don't worry, if you fall over, you can just roll onto the plane!"
=]
This next part is for my own documentation, you don't need to read it. You will find it boring and probably feel as though it depresses me, but not so much to write about it.
So, not 24 hours after my high school graduation, the culmination of the last thirteen years of my life and blah de blah (see previous entry), I did the most difficult thing I have ever done. A wonderful young woman named Kristyna Kvasnickova, often referred to as Tyna Beana or mon chou chou...left.
The day started out me getting up early so I could run to the store and grab some grad gifts (for people whose parties were left unattended by me...whoops.) As I was getting ready to leave, there was a knock on the door. The unmistakable head cast a shadow in the curtained window. It was Irenka. She had come to say goodbye, tears already streaming down her face, ushering a river of equal proportions from me. As we hugged for about ten minutes, my hair still wet and unbrushed, she said something that really sent me off. "I came here and I did not find an American boyfriend, but I found my Stacy Bacy, and that's better." I was seriously not expecting to say goodbye to her until tomorrow, and I actually have to drop stuff off to her so I won't, but it was still emotional, and kind of scared me as to what I would be like a few hours later.
One very hurried trip to Wal-Mart later and I was back home, the Bates van pulled into my driveway. I grabbed some important things and as I walked out the door, I saw a bobbing cowboy hat exiting the van and smiled. We stopped at Timmy Ho's one last time, I gave her a necklace and Jitka's scrapbook, and then I realized that the airport is not as far away as I thought. We unloaded and went straight to the Delta counter, there was no line and it was all good. I prepared myself for the hardest.
And then the words, in that sarcastic Tyna voice..."I guess I'm not going then, yah?"
The flight was delayed about two hors, and the landing in Atlanta interfered with her flight to Prague. We stood for about a half an hour at that counter, sorting out all of the possible options, and eventually building up a line behind us that was very angry.
Tyna had a choice of waiting two days until the next available seat opened up, which we were game for, but she was worried about her parents in Czech...they would not be too happy. Another choice was getting up at 3 tomorrow morning to go to the Buffalo airport for a flight out of there. And then there was the option where Tyna took the same flight, attempted to make the plane in Atlanta, but if she didn't she would be put up in a hotel for the night and take the first flight out tomorrow...she liked the sound of free hotel and free food. So this was the choice. The lady went in to book it and there was another roadblock that really kind of opened the road. Somebody had gone in and scheduled different flights. Rochester to Atlanta to Paris to Prague. Sounds great!
So we had another two hours. We got her regular luggage all checked in and now we just waited. Ze sat around the airport for a bit, talking, I messed with Tyna's cowboy hat and determined it was one of the only hats I could pull off. We went back to the Bates' house, and I remember looking at my watch at about 15:50 and realizing that I should be on my way home, remembering my last hug and last words and last glimpse with probably one of the most amazing people in my life. But no, she was sitting across the room babbling in Czech about the delay and what was happening to her parents, showing them graduation pictures and saying goodbye I'll see you tomorrow...amnd me intently listening for any word I recognized.
Then we left for airport trip round two. I knew this time that there was no saving grace to give me more time with her, I would have to say goodbye. The entire ride was spent in a mini French lesson, teaching her basic words and phrases to make her have a good time on the plane. It was so much fun to use my passion for French to teach someone else. We went over the words until we reached the counter, where she got some angry glares as she went up to the same lady to sort out a mystery of a missing boarding pass. And then, it was time.
The security gate was empty, and Tyna did not want to prolong this any more than she needed to. She hugged me first, and I started crying, and then she went down the line. Debbie started crying after I did, and got worse when Tyna hugged her. I lightly punched her shoulder and said st'astnu cestu (have a good trip in Czech) and gave her a final hug.
I cried miserably as I watched her pass through the blinding white security area in that hat, with that skateboard on her back, and give a final wave as she crossed into the unknown. I just cried. Debbie offered me a tissue and a hug, I gladly accepted both, and after about ten minutes, we knew there was nothing more to do, no more to see, and headed back to the car.
I got home and walked back into my house after one last hug from Debbie. Only to find my family was not expecting me for dinner, so I ate a bowl of broccoli and a boca. I had not eaten all day, and yet I still was not hungry. Not before, not after, but I knew I should eat. After sulking around, I needed to get out of the house. So I went to Kristen's grad party and decided to have a good time and forget about it for a while. Of course everybody know, so they asked how I was and being reminded, I started crying again with each time it was mentioned. Finally people stopped mentioning it and I had a good time.
It was a sad day, and the happiest thing will be to hear her voice across the internet, home and safe. It was a fun day...in ways, and I love my Tyna.
"Charles DeGualle...where is that?" "Paris" "Oooh...I get to go to France!"
"Air France and Paris...uh oh, I'm wearing my I love NY t-shart and I look American...the French hate Americans. How do I say I am NOT American?"
"Don't worry, if you fall over, you can just roll onto the plane!"
=]
vendredi 22 juin 2007
I...WHAT!?
Tomorrow I graduate...a bit of an interesting concept when you think about it. Tomorrow is quite factually the only time ever that our entire senior class will all be in the same room together. I don't really care for half of the people sitting around me, and honestly don't care if I never see 98.763 percent of the people sitting there with me again. I won't recognize a quarter of them after all these years, and some of them I really wish I didn't recognize. I can pretend to care, but in the end I have only one goal in mind, to get across that stage and get on with my life for good.
Above all, the one thing I really do take from high school is a cap on who I am now, and who I want to be as I look toward the future. You really get grounded in your last year of high school. Senior year is sort of a filter, like the mouth of a baleen whale. You pick through who your friends really are and you get a true sense of who will be your friends once this whole thing ends. Sometimes you find the best friends in the most unlikely of all places. You officially determine what your real interests are, squeezing the last free knowledge out of high school before you start paying the big bucks. And finally, you just realize it's not as sad as you think. Like the last page of a journal or book, you think it is sad to be writing it, but really, you get to open a fresh one when you are finished. Who doesn't like writing in an untouched notebook, where the pages are clean and fresh, the spirals are still spirals, not mushed pieces of crap, and everything is blank, waiting for you to take that first move, daring you to write the first word, to dirty it up with new mistakes and falters and moments of joy. I like that a lot, it's the best feeling in the world.
I didn't loathe high school, but at the same time I didn't love it. It's a neutral zone, and whoever made up the rule that it should last for four years was so right. That is just enough time to get things figured out, to mature to a point of independence, and to be ready for the next notebook.
I think I am content with that.
Above all, the one thing I really do take from high school is a cap on who I am now, and who I want to be as I look toward the future. You really get grounded in your last year of high school. Senior year is sort of a filter, like the mouth of a baleen whale. You pick through who your friends really are and you get a true sense of who will be your friends once this whole thing ends. Sometimes you find the best friends in the most unlikely of all places. You officially determine what your real interests are, squeezing the last free knowledge out of high school before you start paying the big bucks. And finally, you just realize it's not as sad as you think. Like the last page of a journal or book, you think it is sad to be writing it, but really, you get to open a fresh one when you are finished. Who doesn't like writing in an untouched notebook, where the pages are clean and fresh, the spirals are still spirals, not mushed pieces of crap, and everything is blank, waiting for you to take that first move, daring you to write the first word, to dirty it up with new mistakes and falters and moments of joy. I like that a lot, it's the best feeling in the world.
I didn't loathe high school, but at the same time I didn't love it. It's a neutral zone, and whoever made up the rule that it should last for four years was so right. That is just enough time to get things figured out, to mature to a point of independence, and to be ready for the next notebook.
I think I am content with that.
lundi 11 juin 2007
Life...is life's biggest question
I wrote the following poem in fifth grade and unearthed it a few weeks ago. I don't know what was running through my mind at the time, but somehow I think I knew that it would be so appropriate seven years in the future.
I hoped this year would never end
it's hard to say goodbye, my friend.
I wish the year would come again
and stay just the way it is.
It's so hard to say goodbye
I know for sure that I will cry.
All the good times I won't forget
but now our time is almost spent.
It's so very hard to say goodbye
and I know that it is even harder to try.
I wish yesterday was tomorrow
so that our parting may never bring such sorrow.
Today I gave goodbye number 1. I cried a little, and realized that these next few weeks will probably be the most emotional wrenching to date. I just can't think of saying goodbye.
I hoped this year would never end
it's hard to say goodbye, my friend.
I wish the year would come again
and stay just the way it is.
It's so hard to say goodbye
I know for sure that I will cry.
All the good times I won't forget
but now our time is almost spent.
It's so very hard to say goodbye
and I know that it is even harder to try.
I wish yesterday was tomorrow
so that our parting may never bring such sorrow.
Today I gave goodbye number 1. I cried a little, and realized that these next few weeks will probably be the most emotional wrenching to date. I just can't think of saying goodbye.
dimanche 10 juin 2007
Jealousy and Depression
I don't know if it is one, the other, or both that I am feeling at the present time. But where do these feelings come from? Who the heck gave a name to these two horrible feelings? I really don't like feeling this way, but I don't think it is going to end for a very long time. There are just too many things causing it, and I don't know how to fix it all.
On a happier note, only one more day left of high school ever!
On a happier note, only one more day left of high school ever!
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