I'm alive.
It's all that really matters.
lundi 29 octobre 2007
mardi 16 octobre 2007
Home, Home on the Range
Fall Break
Definition: A mid-semester extended weekend given to Allegheny students as a reward for going 6.5 weeks straight of classes. Time is given to go home and spend time with the family, or relax back at your residence hall.
This past weekend, I had opted for the second due to complications at home with an inability to drive 3 hours to pick me up bring me back home and do it all over again a few days later. Unfortunately, nobody notified me that in the end, I would be one of maybe 3 people left in my hall...the others of which I don't talk to.
A call came in Friday night, asking me how to say bitch in French, and I gave her a far more offensive term. She threw me on the phone with her boyfriend, and after a while of talking he offered to get me the next day after work. What a fantastic idea! My sister ended up getting me after work after I had called her 'sick' to get her out of a mandatory RA thing.
It was a complete surprise to my family that I was coming home. My father was thrilled and my mother was pissed because we were so late getting home and almost missed my brother's haunted house. Beyond that all was fine...except my brother's take-over of the bathroom, that was disgusting.
It was nice to be home. I went for pumpkins and picked apples. I ate good food in reasonable portions and got to sleep in my own bed (hard as a rock compared to my school bed...and about 2 feet shorter) I also drove a car again, one thing that I miss terribly here. And I went to Target and saw civilization. I visited school and talked to my favorite teachers and saw my swim team...and realized I really do NOT miss swimming. Overall it was good to be home. But at the same time, at the end of 2 days, I was ready to come back. Very ready. Home is great, my family is great, it was wonderful to see Carolyn and have a good old Tuxedo Latte at Leaf and Bean, but seriously I have been so independent for the past two months that it was a little strange to ask my parents if I could do everything and to live out of a duffel bag in my own home.
But now I have 5 more weeks of straight classes with no breaks, until Thanksgiving. Everyone will be home at Thanksgiving, I will have a reason to be there, to kick off the holiday season with tons of good food, get Christmas decorations and then return at the end to finish off the semester. College goes so quick.
This is probably the most disorganized blog post in a long time. Deal with it.
Definition: A mid-semester extended weekend given to Allegheny students as a reward for going 6.5 weeks straight of classes. Time is given to go home and spend time with the family, or relax back at your residence hall.
This past weekend, I had opted for the second due to complications at home with an inability to drive 3 hours to pick me up bring me back home and do it all over again a few days later. Unfortunately, nobody notified me that in the end, I would be one of maybe 3 people left in my hall...the others of which I don't talk to.
A call came in Friday night, asking me how to say bitch in French, and I gave her a far more offensive term. She threw me on the phone with her boyfriend, and after a while of talking he offered to get me the next day after work. What a fantastic idea! My sister ended up getting me after work after I had called her 'sick' to get her out of a mandatory RA thing.
It was a complete surprise to my family that I was coming home. My father was thrilled and my mother was pissed because we were so late getting home and almost missed my brother's haunted house. Beyond that all was fine...except my brother's take-over of the bathroom, that was disgusting.
It was nice to be home. I went for pumpkins and picked apples. I ate good food in reasonable portions and got to sleep in my own bed (hard as a rock compared to my school bed...and about 2 feet shorter) I also drove a car again, one thing that I miss terribly here. And I went to Target and saw civilization. I visited school and talked to my favorite teachers and saw my swim team...and realized I really do NOT miss swimming. Overall it was good to be home. But at the same time, at the end of 2 days, I was ready to come back. Very ready. Home is great, my family is great, it was wonderful to see Carolyn and have a good old Tuxedo Latte at Leaf and Bean, but seriously I have been so independent for the past two months that it was a little strange to ask my parents if I could do everything and to live out of a duffel bag in my own home.
But now I have 5 more weeks of straight classes with no breaks, until Thanksgiving. Everyone will be home at Thanksgiving, I will have a reason to be there, to kick off the holiday season with tons of good food, get Christmas decorations and then return at the end to finish off the semester. College goes so quick.
This is probably the most disorganized blog post in a long time. Deal with it.
jeudi 11 octobre 2007
I USED TO be like that
So I ran into a rather awkward conversation today, at least it was awkward for me. On Thursdays, I eat lunch at French table, where we are supposed to eat and talk seulement en français, but often people ignore that. I was having some pretty good conversations with people around me, and then toward the end, people near the foot of the table started speaking in English. It was all about "that boy with OCD." Nearly everyone on campus knows him or knows of him apparently. This is only the first I had heard of him.
The point is though, they were talking. Pointing out the things he does and discussing them, then going on to try to figure out why, then continuing, as often people do when talking about OCD, to point out their own quirks. Listening in on this conversation, as it was the same people I had been discussing life with in French only five minutes before, I felt awkward. As they continued to talk, I wanted to set them straight with facts and personal experiences, but I didn't feel it was my place for some reason.
For the first time since I have been here, I am uncomfortable with my own OCD.
The conversation at lunch really made me think: do people see me doing my stuff and talk about me over their mandatory lunch periods? Do they actually see t for what it is, or something else?
My real question is, since when did OCD become uch a widely used term for every little stupid thing? Since when did it become a 'competition' to have the most strange habits and title them under OCD? Do they even understand that it is more than just a little organization here, a little touching there? I don't think so. The term OCD is so widely used (often with the wrong verb) that people no longer recognize it so much as an actual anxiety disorder as they do an emotion.
As I sat listening to the conversation, I felt this incredible discomfort so that after a few moments, I just got up and left. It kind of made me think about and realize how far I have come and how thankful I have worked things out, put forth the effort to change, that I am not so bad as to be dubbed "that girl with OCD."
But really, what do you do in that conversation? It's not like you can come out and start talking, setting the facts straight, using the excuse of knowledge as the fact that you do have OCD, not when everybody else is going around saying things that for some reason make it seem like they are competing for the disorder. It really just seems like you are trying to get your sympathy bid in.
I guess I just have to leave it at something that if somebody is curious, they can ask, but until then I just have to get up from the table and ignore the conversation, completely content with the fact that I used to be like that.
The point is though, they were talking. Pointing out the things he does and discussing them, then going on to try to figure out why, then continuing, as often people do when talking about OCD, to point out their own quirks. Listening in on this conversation, as it was the same people I had been discussing life with in French only five minutes before, I felt awkward. As they continued to talk, I wanted to set them straight with facts and personal experiences, but I didn't feel it was my place for some reason.
For the first time since I have been here, I am uncomfortable with my own OCD.
The conversation at lunch really made me think: do people see me doing my stuff and talk about me over their mandatory lunch periods? Do they actually see t for what it is, or something else?
My real question is, since when did OCD become uch a widely used term for every little stupid thing? Since when did it become a 'competition' to have the most strange habits and title them under OCD? Do they even understand that it is more than just a little organization here, a little touching there? I don't think so. The term OCD is so widely used (often with the wrong verb) that people no longer recognize it so much as an actual anxiety disorder as they do an emotion.
As I sat listening to the conversation, I felt this incredible discomfort so that after a few moments, I just got up and left. It kind of made me think about and realize how far I have come and how thankful I have worked things out, put forth the effort to change, that I am not so bad as to be dubbed "that girl with OCD."
But really, what do you do in that conversation? It's not like you can come out and start talking, setting the facts straight, using the excuse of knowledge as the fact that you do have OCD, not when everybody else is going around saying things that for some reason make it seem like they are competing for the disorder. It really just seems like you are trying to get your sympathy bid in.
I guess I just have to leave it at something that if somebody is curious, they can ask, but until then I just have to get up from the table and ignore the conversation, completely content with the fact that I used to be like that.
vendredi 5 octobre 2007
Happy Ending Week
So it's been a stressful week. I faced the results of my first two college tests, in Chemistry and Calculus. I was VERY pleased with the scores, but you know how I am about grades. I had my first college paper due today...in FRENCH. And then I had the typical little nit-picky homework to do for all my classes additionally. I seriously feel as though I have been doing nothing but eating all week long, and pretty much since classes started too.
I've been giving into all sorts of compulsions, left and right. Touching things, skipping over cracks and the darkest parts of floors, organizing and re-organizing everything, stapling my French paper 6 times until it was at a perfect 45 degree angle, brushing teeth and washing hands and invading personal space to fix other peoples stuff...really everything...less the strange ones I have been having to pull the fire alarm at which point I literally run down the hall as far away from it as possible.
Overall...stressful week.
But every week has its end...hence the weekend, and mine started today. I kept optimistic and happy, encouraging everyone of the fact that it is Friday...one week from fall break Friday. And it's homecoming, which is where it all starts.
Our theme is 'Made in the 80's' so pretty much it was awesome. I got all dressed up in an adorable little outfit and went to the pep rally with a few of my hall mates. It was amusing, and I didn't get a t-shirt, but fun all the same. Then the real party started...and by party I mean 80's dance party. I suck at dancing, but there is something about 80's music that makes it alright...even cool...to dance poorly. And so I did. For two hours straight. about 1/2 the time in two inch heels. I got so sweaty and just let EVERYTHING go. I borrowed SWEATBANDS from someone else (I don't know why I accepted the initial offer looking back now.) I moved so much that my outer shirt stretched to 2 times its size. It was so free and fun...just dancing with my friends. I forgot everything and just moved with the beat and screamed along with Whitney Houston until my voice grew hoarse. What could be better?
It's great to have such an ending to a week, even if I do come back to my dorm and realize how disgusting I am and run to the shower before panic can officially set in.
But it was all worth it. =)
I've been giving into all sorts of compulsions, left and right. Touching things, skipping over cracks and the darkest parts of floors, organizing and re-organizing everything, stapling my French paper 6 times until it was at a perfect 45 degree angle, brushing teeth and washing hands and invading personal space to fix other peoples stuff...really everything...less the strange ones I have been having to pull the fire alarm at which point I literally run down the hall as far away from it as possible.
Overall...stressful week.
But every week has its end...hence the weekend, and mine started today. I kept optimistic and happy, encouraging everyone of the fact that it is Friday...one week from fall break Friday. And it's homecoming, which is where it all starts.
Our theme is 'Made in the 80's' so pretty much it was awesome. I got all dressed up in an adorable little outfit and went to the pep rally with a few of my hall mates. It was amusing, and I didn't get a t-shirt, but fun all the same. Then the real party started...and by party I mean 80's dance party. I suck at dancing, but there is something about 80's music that makes it alright...even cool...to dance poorly. And so I did. For two hours straight. about 1/2 the time in two inch heels. I got so sweaty and just let EVERYTHING go. I borrowed SWEATBANDS from someone else (I don't know why I accepted the initial offer looking back now.) I moved so much that my outer shirt stretched to 2 times its size. It was so free and fun...just dancing with my friends. I forgot everything and just moved with the beat and screamed along with Whitney Houston until my voice grew hoarse. What could be better?
It's great to have such an ending to a week, even if I do come back to my dorm and realize how disgusting I am and run to the shower before panic can officially set in.
But it was all worth it. =)
jeudi 13 septembre 2007
Kindergarten
There is something very important that is often over looked in life. We take care of it all through our infant and toddler years, in kindergarten and maybe even a little beyond that. But suddenly we get to a point, and it disappears. I thought it was gone forever! It was a tragedy, all through middle school and junior high, and especially in high school, when people would think something was wrong when I tried to attempt it. But I was wrong again. It returns in college, it's like an epidemic that takes over in the afternoon and nobody thinks it is wrong or anything else of it. What is this mystery thing? NAPTIME.
It has become such a part of my life here at Allegheny, and I am not the only one who does it. At home, when I would come home from school and want to take a nap, my mother yelled at me that it was a waste of time or thought I was sick. Why is it so wrong? It makes you feel so rejuvenated and you can focus again. It's a sin not to take a nap when you sit down to do your chemistry homework and just pass out on your bed. It's irresistible really, your bed is right there. I know for me it is my primary study spot since my computer leaves no room on my desk.
Despite the fact that nearly everyone I talk to here considers it a part of their daily routine, it is still kind of a hush hush thing about college. The 'sample student schedules' that they send you over the summer leave it out. Nobody really tells you how important it will become for you to take a nap at least 3 times a week.
I think it's great really. Now I got some sleeping out of the way and can concentrate better on my homework.
It has become such a part of my life here at Allegheny, and I am not the only one who does it. At home, when I would come home from school and want to take a nap, my mother yelled at me that it was a waste of time or thought I was sick. Why is it so wrong? It makes you feel so rejuvenated and you can focus again. It's a sin not to take a nap when you sit down to do your chemistry homework and just pass out on your bed. It's irresistible really, your bed is right there. I know for me it is my primary study spot since my computer leaves no room on my desk.
Despite the fact that nearly everyone I talk to here considers it a part of their daily routine, it is still kind of a hush hush thing about college. The 'sample student schedules' that they send you over the summer leave it out. Nobody really tells you how important it will become for you to take a nap at least 3 times a week.
I think it's great really. Now I got some sleeping out of the way and can concentrate better on my homework.
samedi 8 septembre 2007
Where do I go when I have nowhere left to turn?
College is great. I have awesome new friends, my classes are barely hard at all (yet), and I have nothing dictating my schedule. I have a job now, I think I'm gonna be an RA next year, and I feel rather at home. My life at Allegheny rocks, it's great, and I would not have it any other way.
Outside of Allegheny however, things kind of sucked today. Thursday night I had gotten up the nerve to ask my mom if I could go to the Czech Republic in May. After two days of pondering in Churchville, to my surprise, she said YES. Holy wow! How could this happen? I thought she would never say yes to taking $700 of my money and blowing it on a plane ticket! I only had one hurdle to jump...making sure it was all right on the Czech end that I go.
Tyna was ecstatic at the news. Neither of us could believe this would actually happen so soon if ever. Thinking ahead and longing for the days of May where we would reunite and be the best of friends again. Her family was happy for me to come as well. All was good. Then she came back with the worst news ever. Her exams, the big ones that she has to take at the end of her school year that pretty much decide the rest of her life, are from May 21-June 1. My heart was broken, I was shot down, I was depressed...still am really. How could I get through my parents, have them say yes, have plane tickets drop to low rates and work myself up to a level of excitement, only to have this one glorious thing pushed down by something as stupid as this? I think the worst thing is that it CAN'T be CHANGED. Parents say no, I can change it. Plane tickets too high, I fork over another hundred bucks and spend less. But THIS...there is nothing I can do. It's hard to recover from something lie this...getting up on a 500ft pedestal of excitement and joy, then falling flat on my face unable to stop myself before I hit the ground.
The worst part is, now that I know I won't be seeing them in May, they seem so much further away and distant from me. I fear I may never see them again as we enter the adult world and our lives become complicated heaps of responsibility and work. I realized that I have been hanging onto this hope for several months, fully convinced that no matter what blocks I came across along the way, I could get through them with cool persuasion and a drive to show that I can still afford it even while I am at college. Entirely confident in that fact that on May 13 2008 I would be on a plane across the ocean for the greatest reunion of my life to date.
But where am I supposed to go now that the single golden thread of hope has been cut? Who am I supposed to turn to? None of my friends here will understand, to them it will seem like some petty problem that is not worth crying and being depressed over. Their thoughts would be something along the lines of, boo hoo Stacy can't take a trip abroad at then end of the year. How is that a big deal?. My friends at home would barely understand, not wanting to listen to my stupid problem that seems so superficial on the outside. My parents don't understand. My friends in the Czech Republic are probably feeling the same things and I barely ever get to talk to them because we are all so busy. Where do I go when I have nowhere left to turn?
Now I feel really dumb for putting this all here. For some reason, it looks petty and childish and immature that I would be so distraught over this, and it probably is. But explanations unknown, it's hitting me hard. Harder than a freight train and I don't know what to do anymore.
Outside of Allegheny however, things kind of sucked today. Thursday night I had gotten up the nerve to ask my mom if I could go to the Czech Republic in May. After two days of pondering in Churchville, to my surprise, she said YES. Holy wow! How could this happen? I thought she would never say yes to taking $700 of my money and blowing it on a plane ticket! I only had one hurdle to jump...making sure it was all right on the Czech end that I go.
Tyna was ecstatic at the news. Neither of us could believe this would actually happen so soon if ever. Thinking ahead and longing for the days of May where we would reunite and be the best of friends again. Her family was happy for me to come as well. All was good. Then she came back with the worst news ever. Her exams, the big ones that she has to take at the end of her school year that pretty much decide the rest of her life, are from May 21-June 1. My heart was broken, I was shot down, I was depressed...still am really. How could I get through my parents, have them say yes, have plane tickets drop to low rates and work myself up to a level of excitement, only to have this one glorious thing pushed down by something as stupid as this? I think the worst thing is that it CAN'T be CHANGED. Parents say no, I can change it. Plane tickets too high, I fork over another hundred bucks and spend less. But THIS...there is nothing I can do. It's hard to recover from something lie this...getting up on a 500ft pedestal of excitement and joy, then falling flat on my face unable to stop myself before I hit the ground.
The worst part is, now that I know I won't be seeing them in May, they seem so much further away and distant from me. I fear I may never see them again as we enter the adult world and our lives become complicated heaps of responsibility and work. I realized that I have been hanging onto this hope for several months, fully convinced that no matter what blocks I came across along the way, I could get through them with cool persuasion and a drive to show that I can still afford it even while I am at college. Entirely confident in that fact that on May 13 2008 I would be on a plane across the ocean for the greatest reunion of my life to date.
But where am I supposed to go now that the single golden thread of hope has been cut? Who am I supposed to turn to? None of my friends here will understand, to them it will seem like some petty problem that is not worth crying and being depressed over. Their thoughts would be something along the lines of, boo hoo Stacy can't take a trip abroad at then end of the year. How is that a big deal?. My friends at home would barely understand, not wanting to listen to my stupid problem that seems so superficial on the outside. My parents don't understand. My friends in the Czech Republic are probably feeling the same things and I barely ever get to talk to them because we are all so busy. Where do I go when I have nowhere left to turn?
Now I feel really dumb for putting this all here. For some reason, it looks petty and childish and immature that I would be so distraught over this, and it probably is. But explanations unknown, it's hitting me hard. Harder than a freight train and I don't know what to do anymore.
vendredi 31 août 2007
So. I have been doing this college thing for almost exactly a week. And it has been a long week. Orientation became to be one of the most painful things ever and I am glad that classes have started...pathetic I know.
I have met some pretty awesome people, one of them being my roommate Ellen. And my floor...Wannex 3 where we party in the T. I know you all really don't care about my going on about college, but it's amazing. I'm not homesick, I love my classes, and life pretty much rocks right now. I have become pretty good friends with a lot of people in my hall, and I hope I meet other people from other halls now that classes have started.
Speaking of classes...all of them are Monday-Wednesday-Friday classes. I only have my calc class on Tuesday . That means I have Thursday off to do whatever. It's pretty awesome because I can do all of my homework then. So after one day of classes, I already have a ton of homework, but I am alright with that. I am taking 17 credits...Chemistry 110, FS 101, Calculus 160, French 225 and hopefully I made it into the band.
I don't really have anything to say, but I felt like a pathetic loser for coming to college and not updating this. So I am going to find something sweet to do with my Friday night!
I have met some pretty awesome people, one of them being my roommate Ellen. And my floor...Wannex 3 where we party in the T. I know you all really don't care about my going on about college, but it's amazing. I'm not homesick, I love my classes, and life pretty much rocks right now. I have become pretty good friends with a lot of people in my hall, and I hope I meet other people from other halls now that classes have started.
Speaking of classes...all of them are Monday-Wednesday-Friday classes. I only have my calc class on Tuesday . That means I have Thursday off to do whatever. It's pretty awesome because I can do all of my homework then. So after one day of classes, I already have a ton of homework, but I am alright with that. I am taking 17 credits...Chemistry 110, FS 101, Calculus 160, French 225 and hopefully I made it into the band.
I don't really have anything to say, but I felt like a pathetic loser for coming to college and not updating this. So I am going to find something sweet to do with my Friday night!
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